Well it's almost two months since my brother died, and life goes on as they say. But it is a struggle to keep going sometimes!
He faught so hard with his problems and never complained, even when he knew he was really ill he kept smiling each day trying to re-assure us all that he would make it through. The last picture I have of him is when his son came over from Ireland to visit him in hospital he is smiling so hard it looks like his face will crack open, but he was so happy to see him, His one wish in life that he never managed to acheive was to find his daughter.. I had been helping him look for her for tha past two years without any luck at all.. now it seems possible that I may finally get some help with my search.. a UK TV show that is very good at finding people has offered to help me.. and I hope now that maybe I can fulfil his dying wish and re-unite her with this side of the family. We don't even know if she has been told that she has four aunties and their family's lots of cousins and such. She doesn't know her father is dead and that she will inherit half his estate along with her half brother.. but hopefully soon she will be found and we will finally be able to meet her. I just know as my brothers daughter she will be lovely and I can't wait for that day when I can tell her what she has missed all these years, I'll have pleasure in telling her about her wonderful dad and how brave he was right to the end.. May that day come soon!!
Meanwhile for me, life has been tough, I'm back at work now after a month off and have found that I'm only going to get basic sick pay this month so will suffer financially because he died and I was close to him therefore to upset to go to work! it sucks.. I have the everyday struggle of trying to keep the peace at home between a twenty year old man (my son) and a thirty one year old lady (my friend who lives with us).. they frequently don't like what the other does and instead of talking to each other moan at me, so I become pig in the middle, left feeling like crap right now as they have both gone off to their rooms after complaining at me about the other one! I can't take it anymore, I've had enough, they are both going to have to grow up and learn to talk to each other, either I have to force it or they both shut up!! It's not fair..
I'm still trying to deal with my brothers death, the decisions about his ashes and what to do, the fact that he is still not at rest two months after he died is slowly killing me, I want to settle things and try to concentrate on healing me from my past, but with all this going on at the moment I have to put my issues on the back burner and leave them there until things settle down a bit! hardly fair eh! As is usual in my life I come second to everyone else.. I don't matter !!!!! I get blamed for anything that goes wrong, its alwasy my fault somehow, no matter what I do or say its wrong. Well no more.. enough is enough, from now on I will be telling everyone to get their own messes sorted out so that I can do what I need to do to sort my life, That will include getting My story written as my brother had asked me to do, I have written my story once in the form of poetry and now I feel I need to write it as a story, maybe I will include a few poems that I've written along the way, but maybe when it gets tough to detail certain incidents then a poem can say more in fewer lines than a detailed story can.. I'll start on it soon.. very soon.. I know I will be triggered many times as I write my horrific past down in black and white, but if by writing it I can help prevent one child experiencing what I did then it will be worth the pain and heartache of doing it!! No idea what the title can be as yet, the poetry book is simply called 'A Child's Cry' so the full story will need to be different from that, thinking cap is on!!
