Thought I would just pop in and say I had a lovely peaceful night last night, no sign of prowlers or intruders at either my sisters house or mine! Thankfully.. lets hope they have given up eh!

My Life is pretty much the same as usual, boring!! boring!! Boring! but only I can change that, I have decided that its time for me to get off my butt and start doing some serious Job hunting, don't get me wrong I have applied for some 40 odd jobs over the past few weeks, none of which accepted me..:-( But now I'm going to try a different approach.. I Need a job and I need it now!

So its down to me to get one isn' it? there's lots out there its just finding the one that will give me the chance to get back into the workplace.. see I've worked from home for so long now, doing childcare and fostering that I haven't actually worked outside for some 10 years.. so it will feel a bit strange when I first start but I need to do it..

If I don't I will have to stop going to therapy as I can't afford it anymore.. and I don't want to do that, it took me so long to admit to myself that I needed help dealing with all my stuff that I feel it would be daft to stop at this point.. To go back to dealing with it all on my own would be very hard, at the moment I am able to talk about stuff with my therapist that I can't talk to anyone else about.. not even my best friend? I have no idea why this is the case, as I know my friend would never tell a soul what I said, but somehow I just can't do it yet.. with my therapist however it feels different somehow... I can say whatever is on my mind and she accepts it as fact she never judges me and though she has sometimes made comments that upset me she seems able to explain to me and help me understand why I react the way I do to certain things... Like when I told her about my second stepfather raping me in cyprus after my mum died she made a comment that really upset me, she asked me if I was sure it 'wasn't a drunken fumble'!! I was devestated.. I cried for days and in the end had to email her asking her to explain what she meant.. she did reply to me and explain, she was trying to get me angry so that I could move on from it! and thankfully things got sorted out, nowadays when a comment is made she quickly explains what she means so as not to upset me.. that makes our sessions feel safe and I know I can be sort of open with her... not as open as I'd like to be but I'm getting there slowly... so it would be a shame to stop just because of lack of finances eh!..

Another thing the powers that be could change for the victims, Councelling for this sort of thing should be FREE!!! Why should it depend on whether or not the survivor can afford therapy? Why should we have to end up financially broke because of something that wasn't our fault? It just isn't right.. yet the Abuser get all the help the authorities can give him/her, with no worries about the costs to the public... there seems to be a never ending fund of cash for them to get help but nothing for us, who need it a damned sight more....