Another week has passed since my last therapy session, and so much has happened in the gap..
I've been in here once or twice in the middle of the week blogging about whats been going on for me.. A week or so back I placed a poem up here about TV shows that 'Trigger' Survivors... I had watched a show where they brought on a convicted paedophile and let him speak.. it was very upsetting to watch and as a result I wrote a poem about it..

Well, that show called me yesterday and asked me if I would be prepared to go live on TV and speak about my past? initially I was scared, shocked and in fact horrified at the idea. But now I've had time to think about it I have decided to do it! To get the chance to speak up on behalf of all those who for whatever reason can't talk about it has to be a good thing yeah?
The only bit that could be hard is that they asked if I wanted my step-father to be there, caught of balance I said yes, it would be good for me to confront him.. now I'm not so sure!

I told my therapist about it this morning and she also agreed that it could be a good thing for me to do, although very hard.. She said that where by in the past the Abuse controlled my life, my life now controls the Abuse!.. it is shrinking in its power over me and as I deal with various bits of it it loses the power.. Don't get me wrong I still get upset frequently and still struggle often but not as much as I used to.. Jane said that the abuse could have been much worse than it was in that he could have sexually abused me from the age of six like he did my sister! What the hell! How the fuck does she know what its like? she's been one of the lucky ones in that she has lived a normal life like most people reading this blog... she has no idea of the pain it causes to us all, no idea what its like to have flashbacks or nightmares, where you see it happening again and again, she really doesn't have a fucking clue! I think its time for me to change my Therapist.. because I'm going no where fast with this one. She often says to me, 'we'll talk about that next week' but we never do! she once said she would work her way through my book of poems and discuss each one at a time, working out why I wrote it and what it meant to me, but guess what .... we never did.... So my feelings now are that she is a waste of my time, effort and money! She's not really helping to get me talking about things because as soon as I start to get upset in any way she changes the subject to something easier. Its like she can't handle it!..

I am so angry right now that I can't even write about other things we talked over, this has kinda got into my head and I can't let it go... I'll try to write more later on..