It's been one hell of a hard week this last 7 days, so much has been going on that its hard to know where to start!
Ok .. so monday saw that TV show, and the feelings it brought up have taken a while to calm down again, I wrote the poem posted on here the day after to try and get some of it out but it didn'thelp much.

As for families! well who needs them? Do I? with the way they treat me recently I am begining to wonder if its all worth it. Anyone who reads this blog regularly will know that I had a big arguement with one sister two weeks ago over her lying to me! I can not tolerate liars, its one of the biggest triggers going for me, anyways as I suspected on tuesday morning I got a knock at the door, one of my other sisters was stood there apparently here to sort things out! What the hell... its none of her business for starters, but she is the so called family peace maker.. self appointed at that! she tried to tell me that I'd taken it all wrong and it was a big misunderstanding, but my sister I had the arguement with won't speak to me again until I apologise? Well she is in for a damned long wait as its not going to happen, I did nothing wrong she was the one who lied and is now trying to justify it by telling further lies to everyone else.. she can get stuffed! On top of that they went to see my other sister later that day and told her that I ruined my nieces life by letting her join the support group I co run on msn for survivors, just because the police did not take her case forward to court for whatever reason, I am being blamed! I can truely say that I hate them both right now and I don't say I hate people very often. My niece is struggling but not because of the group, she gets more support there than she gets from her own family. I would do anything for this particular niece as it was me she trusted to tell her story to first, I will stand by her and help in any way I can.


Today is friday and once again I had therapy with Jane, we briefly discussed the issues above and she agreed with me that I should not back down this time, she said its time for me to let them know that I will not be pushed around or controlled by them anymore. I know its going to be tough but it has to be them who back down this time. I told jane about my sister Marie, she joined our support group a few months ago and is starting to post her story on there, I found it very hard to read the first thing she wrote as she was so open about what she went through, you see when she was just 6yrs old our step father used to take her out in his car and rape her! she endured that for many years, but would run away often, Jane asked me what I remember of that time in our life, and I told her that I can clearly remember Marie being doubled up on the sofa screaming in pain, and mum calling out the doctor, Jane asked what the doctor said and I told her usually they blamed it on constipation! but now we know it wasn't that, it was because of what that bastard was doing to her when he took her out!..
My sister also posted up the fact that when she was just 14yr old she went to the cinema in a neighbouring town, unfortunately she missed the last bus home, my other sister who had gone with her caught the bus and never went back! She told our Mum what had happened and apparently her and our step dad went over in the car to try and find her, but she was no where to be seen, we now know that unfortunately she was picked up by some guys, to this day we do not know who, and taken somewhere, we didn't see her again for weeks, during that time she was gang raped several times by these people... eventually they let her go and she was found by the police who brought her home, she had no idea where she'd been, who she'd been with or even who she was! but her reward for coming home! she was beaten? By the most callous step father anyone could wish for, now my sister wants me to tell her the state she was in when she got back, as no one has ever told her! thing is she was a mess naturally, even though I was just 11 yr old at the time I can recall quite clearly what she looked like. Her beautiful long black hair had been cut off to her head, it was all matted together and dirty, she was covered in cigarette burns, and cuts from a razor all over her body and was so traumatised that she hardly spoke to us! But that made little difference, the police admitted her to a psychiatric hospital for just 3 weeks to get her the help, but then expected her to get on with life and forget it! As if its that easy to forget. She then had to endure the rapes done to her by our step father again until she eventually ran away again at age 16 or so.. thats when his attentions turned to me! he was no longer able to abuse her, and as I was the youngest one there at the time he obviously thought I would be easiest to control, and my god was he right! I kept quiet about what he did to me until I was about 27yr old, when things started coming back to me, I told my then husband and even called child line for help.. but I didn't report it to police until I was 31yr old and mum had left him! Jane advised me today NOT to tell marie all the details of her return, as she has been having flashbacks and hasn't slept since she wrote the things down last friday and saturday... we don't want to re traumatise her. She used to self harm as a way of coping with it all and has now stopped we don't want it all to start again!.. so this afternoon when I go to see her all I will tell her is that her clothes were dirty, she was dirty and her hair had been cut! that I think will be enough for her to handle right now..
Jane asked me what my flashbacks are about these days and I told her they vary but mostly about when I was 19yr old... I also told her that I apparently sometimes become 'little kate' in the night, where I talk as if I am a child, I have no knowledge of this and no memory of it in the morning but my friend has told me that she often can have a conversation with me when this happens? All in all been a hard week, I just hope the family don't cause me any more grief this weekend!