Today I am an emotional wreck!

I have spent many hours recently crying.. I am so worried about my brother! he is in need of a kidney transplant urgently, else he could be gone by christmas.. I am getting myself tested in the hope that I am a suitable donor for him, but one of my other sisters who could be a match is so far refusing!

I'm having great difficulty understanding how she can be so selfish? I know she is scared so am I, but I'm willing to put my fears to one side to save him! I know the whole process is tiresome and tedious, but if at the end of it I can save a life! My brothers life at that, then I beleive it is worth it.. I will no doubt battle with my own demons and thoughts a lot over the next few weeks as I try to come to terms with what is happening.. its not enough that he was also abused as a child along with the rest of my siblings and me.. he has to go through this as well! How much pain and heartache can a person be expected to live through? life can be so unfair at times..

Today was also therapy day, and the topic was a continuation of last week, where we chatted about my rape at the age of 19yr. I'd told a lot of detail about it last week and today we carried on from where we'd stopped! Jane asked me how I had managed to cover it up and not tell anyone? I was getting married just three weeks later and convinced myself that if I told my husband to be, he would cancel the wedding.. seeing me as dirty, used goods etc.. even though I beleived he loved me and most likely wouldn't have reacted that way it was all that went through my head!

So I kept quiet and never told anyone what really happened that day.. back in August 1979. It's only in the past few years that I have been able to admit even to myself what had happened.. I burried it so deep inside my brain and wouldn't allow myself to think about it, that I was able to get along with my life as though it hadn't happened at all.

Until suddenly a few years ago, everything from my childhood started to come back to me, in graffic detail I started to talk about things for the first time and spoke to someone on line who had been there as well. She made me realise that I'd done nothing wrong, it wasn't my fault that all those things had happened, she helped me to get my story out by encouraging me to write, talk and discuss what I had been through! In time I found myself talking quite openly with her about the different things I'd experienced as I grew up, I even managed to talk about some of the details and how it had made me feel! The flashbacks started with avengeance as I recalled each event, the nightmares and bad dreams, the feelings I had experienced at the time and the feelings that I have about things these days.

Feelings about it all today differ greatly to how it was as a child as I am more capable of understanding that I wasn't in the wrong, the people who abused me where and are! Whereas back when it was all happening I always beleived that it was down to me, I was such a bad child that I deserved everything they did! BUT! No child is that bad, that they deserve to be abused! But I didn't know that back then..

So as a result of my innocence I suffered more, because;

1)I was to scared to tell!
2)To ashamed to say that I'd been a bad child,
3)To embarrassed to tell anyone what my step father was doing to me each time we were alone!

But! now that Shame, embarrassement and fear have left me! I no longer feel that I can't say what happened because I know that 'I DID NOTHING WRONG'

One day I hope that all children will have a safe place to tell someone if they are going through similar things, a place where they can feel safe to tell their truth and be believed! that is half the battle, being believed.. and I am thankful for my on line-friends who listen to me when I tell 'my truth'!

Without them in my life I doubt I'd be as far into my healing from it all as I am today, they encouraged me to seek help when I needed it, have supported me through the good and bad times and been there when I needed a shoulder to cry on! So I want to say something to them today!

YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL PEOPLE AND I FOR ONE AM GLAD TO HAVE YOU AS PART OF MY LIFE! THANKYOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO FOR ME AND FOR THE OTHERS THAT I KNOW YOU ASLO HELP...THE WORLD NEEDS MANY MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU! THANKYOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND!