Another week has passed me by! Time does not stand still whilst we heal from abuse, it just keeps on going and I have to go along with the flow. Regardless of what is going on for me from day to day life has to continue. I still have to go to work and earn money to pay the bills and put food on the table for us all..
I went to my therapy session on friday after work as usual, not to hard a session I thought at the time, but the things it has brought up for me since, leave a lot to be desired! Memories have been flooding back this weekend to the extent that last night, Well at 2am this morning I wrote a poem for the first time in ages! It's entitled ...

'I'm asking why?'

My feelings are valid, to me they are real!

My feelings unfortunately, depend how I feel!

One moment happy, the next can be sad,

As I remember the times that were sad!

Cowering in corners, trying to escape,

Uttering nothing, no sounds I make.

If I stay quiet, me he won't find,

Maybe when Mum's home, she will be kind?

Wishful thinking from a child of just five,

Often wishing, I wasn't alive!

Dreading the moment, when he came back,

Sitting there silently, losing track.

Soon he will call me, 'dinner is ready',

My heart beating faster, got to be steady.

Know if I don't finish, eating it today,

He will force feed me, do it his way.

I'll choke and I'll gag, he'll shout and scream,

which ever way I do it, will not be seen.

Because no one beleives my childhood of hell,

They all thought he was good, he hid EVIL so well!

Now as I remember those painful days,

I clearly recall, ALL of his evil ways.

My feelings plunge to the depths of dispair,

As I look around me, glad he's NOT there!

But the feelings remain, timid and shy,

Scared of that man! Now I'm asking WHY?

I guess this sort of explains where I was following fridays session, Clearly remembering that pain and heartache he caused to myself and my siblings, Often I sit home at night wondering how they deal with the memories? Do they manage to block them out from their lives now? or do they come back frequently as they do for me? One day maybe they will actually talk to me without telling me to move on and forget it! Because I can't forget the most horrible time in my life just because someone tells me to.

During therapy this week I was told it was time for me to realise that I am 'IMPORTANT' I found that hard to hear, because one I don't beleive it, and two I know people more important than me and think I always will. I ask myself, 'what is important about me?' and I don't have an answer ... because all my life I've been told what to do by other people, I have never really had choices, and now at this point in my healing from the past I am being told I can make choices. I'm not used to it!

Even though I have been divorced now for some 10 years or so he still used to try and tell me what to do even though he had left, like a fool most of the time i did what he asked, until about three years ago when I decided enough! he walked away from me so he walked away from the right to tell me what to do.. for once I stood up to him and told him, since then we have had hardly any contact at all which suits me down to the ground.. after all he put me through, even though he knew my past, I can honestly say I hate him! And am better of without him in my life, just as I am better off without my Abusers in my life. I've moved house a few times now and they have no idea where I am.. even better, they can't trace me!! All my siblings know details of what I have experienced and they tell me to move on forget it! I wish I could!

Only one sister really understands because she has been down the same road as I have, with her I can talk about what happened and she really knows the pain I feel, I haven't seen her for a while now as with work committments and such there isn't much time, I know I should make time for her but she lives some 20 miles away and can't come to me because she has health problems.. so its down to me to go her again..

Everyone wants a peice of me recently and I feel totally drained and exhausted, but still people want me to do this, do that, even my own children who are now grown up! I haven't got much else that I can give anyone, its taking all my energy just now to maintain my job and keep going from day to day. One day maybe I will be able to say 'NO' and stand by it? I wonder when that will be?

I found out a week or so back that a young friend of mine is 6 months pregnant, she had no idea? but I could tell when I saw her and jokingly said 'are you sure there's not something in there?' she took a test and it was positive! Now I'm being asked by other mutual friends if I am going to be her birthing partner? as if!! there is no way I can do that, it would be hard enough for me to do it for my own daughter let alone anyone else.. but still the questions keep being asked and everyone expects me to be there whenever they call me? well I can't do it anymore, I've had enough of dealing with everyone else's problems and now its time for me to deal with mine! and deal I will slowly but surely I intend to get there, I have decided this weekend to try and get my book published in the UK and maybe try to get the second one published here as well, a good friend is going to help me with the layout and decisions on how the poems should be placed in there, but I am in need of a title. Thats the hard part! book one is simply called 'A Child's Cry' book two is more about the healing and moving on from abuse, but the title hasn't come to me as yet!!

I'm waffling here now writing rubbish as usual, so going to sign out for tonight. Maybe I'll write more in the week as this just isn't going right...