Friday once more, and we continued in the vain of last week as we once again talked about my inability to say 'NO'. I have to admit however that I find it easier nowadays than I did as a child because now I know in my heart that I do have a choice about what I do and who I do it with.

Its been a pretty tough week this week with thoughts from the last session constantly in my mind, remembering things I'd much rather forget has been harder than I expected it to be and as a result I have found myself snappy and moody with those around me! I know its not fair on them but I seem to have little control right now of when the thoughts enter my head ? Even at work this week I have found myself daydreaming and 'spacing' as its often called, when I realise I jolt myself back to reality and have to remind myself that I am no longer in any danger of being hurt! not always easy to do but at work I can at least keep busy to distract my mind.. We talked about how a few years ago all these thoughts were keeping me awake, I was to scared to sleep at night for fear of 'flashbacks and nightmares' I'd sit on line well into the early hours of the morning chatting to a friend in Norway or anyone else who was around, just to prevent having to go to sleep, during that time I wrote this poem.. which I called

'MY NIGHTS'..

Three O'clock in the morning, everyone asleep,

I lay here thinking of the secrets that I keep.

I pick up my paper, pick up my pen,

Start to write down, I remember when!

The memories of my childhood, all coming back,

I wish that I could give, the memories the sack!

But! I cannot ignore them, now I have to deal,

Sort out my memories, they are so real.

Some of them painful, happy and sad,

Some that I wish I never had.

BUt I cannot change, what went on in the past,

I just have to hope, the memories won't last.

I drift of to sleep, about half past three,

No one beside me, it's just little me.

Its not that I want it, Just what I need,

NO man in my life, my happiness I plead!

If nightmares will happen, no one to hear,

Alone in the darkness, alone with my fear.

Wake up, I'm trembling, with tears in my eyes,

But thankfully the children, don't hear my cries.

Seven in the morning, now I'm wide awake,

Creep down the stairs, not a sound will I make.

Stick on the kettle, make coffee for one,

Another day of this torture, memories on the run!

I realise now however that although those were tough days as I first started to deal with my past, the toughest was yet to come, actually talking about individual incidents in therapy was going to be harder than I could have ever imagined it would be, people had told me that it would be tough but I didn't really know quite what they meant until now! Another poem written about that time in my life was called;

'The Nights'

There spinning around night after night,

My thoughts, my dreams recall the fright.

The way I felt when I saw you there,

Next to me naked, without a care.

I need to alter the thoughts in my head,

At least an hour, before I go to bed.

Then maybe I'll have a chance to sleep,

These horrible thoughts, I cannot keep!

You never gave me a second chance,

Not even now, well maybe a glance.

You got sentenced to just nine years,

I got all of my life, to live with my fears.

Didn't you think about what you did?

You were an adult, And I was a kid!

Did you realise what your actions would do?

Of course you didn't, you thought only of you!

I've returned to the town where I grew up,

Here and now I'm no longer a pup.

An adult now, with children of my own,

Some people here know, compassion is shown.

They read the papers, saw just what he'd done,

Said they never realised, what had gone on.

I told them I don't want sympathy here,

They're trying to help me conquer my fear.

Looking over my shoulders, day after day,

There has to be, some other way!

Sleepless nights thankfully don't happen that much anymore as I have dealt with a lot of the things over the past years, I have learnt not to talk about my abuse in detail just before sleeping, hense the power it still holds over me doesn't intrude into the night. I do still waken occassionally in the night shaking and tearful depending on what dreams I have, but its much rarer these days thankfully. We talked today again about the incidents that I find it really hard to talk about, She asked me if I thought I could talk to her about them one day soon and I said that maybe I would I wasn't sure yet, I know deep down that she won't judge me but when it comes to incidents involving siblings its very hard to not feel ashamed or guilty and embarrassed.. as yet she is not aware what the incidents are or who they involve, I'm not sure I'm ready to reveal them to her maybe one day I feel safe enough to tell, who knows?

She has set me some homework again this week, she wants me to try and be honest with myself and only do what I really want to do all week, in other words learn to say 'No' to people, in all situations there are times when you don't say no because you don't want to upset the other person concerned, even though sometimes I feel I should say no I don't! because its harder to say no than it is to say yes! So at times I find myself doing things or going places that I don't really want to go to just because of my irrational fear of upsetting anyone? I wonder why I do that? My Therapist beleives its down to my past and how I wasn't allowed to say no to anyone or anything, If I work on it really hard now In time I may be saying yes for all the right reasons i.e. because I want to! not because I fear upsetting anyone.. and saying no doesn't mean you don't care about the other person it just means that for whatever reason now is not a good time for me! I know it will be hard to do this all week, but I'd like to try it even if only for a few days or so! Time will tell if I succeed or fail!