Quite a long time has passed since I have written in here, mainly because life itself has so many ways of distracting and keeping one from doing what we want to do.
In the past month or so I have dealt with my brother being really sick and hospitalised, my sisters partner having a severe stroke and being paralised and problems at work, where they tried to discipline me for being sick! In all cases a lot of stress and heartache, but I got through it all and kept myself going. Had it not been for my good friend I'm not sure I'd have had the strength to get through it, But I did and I'm here to write about it all today.

I've continued going to my weekly therapy sessions throughout and that has also helped a lot as I've been able to unload a lot of things from my head on a regular basis. Today it was the usual session after work, we started off talking about what had happened in the last week or so since we met last and I said it had been a good week, My Employers backed down on the disciplinary after I said I wanted my Union Representative to come to the meeting, so a good result there. My brother is out of hospital once more and my sisters partner is now in a convalesent home recovering from the stroke. She asked me today how it felt to have stood up for myself and won! I admitted it felt good, I have been walking round with a smile on my face all week! lol. Then she asked me when was the last time I had that feeling? I couldn't tell her to be honest as I really don't remember. She asked if I stood up for myself as a child? and I said no I wouldn't dare, if I'd attempted it no doubt it would have meant a beating or some such punishment. She asked me how old I was when I left the family home, I said 16yr old, and she seemed surprised. She said wasn't that a bit young to be going it alone? and I said I had no choice the opportunity arose to get away and I grabbed it with both hands.

She asked me to describe those first few months living on my own and I admitted they were scary, suddenly I had to find a way to pay my own bills, budget my income and get myself to work each day, ensuring I had food to eat and clothes to wear. She asked me to describe what happened the day I left. So I told her that we, Mum, him and myself had gone to london to visit my sister for her birthday, we went up on February 28th 1975... initially we were all going to stay in london for her birthday on March 1st, but she didnt have room for us all to stay overnight so my Mum and him said they would find a bed and breakfast place and return in the morning. Morning came and there was no sign of them, we had a phone call later in the day telling us that they had gone home as they couldn't find anywhere to stay.. I was meant to return the next day by train and they would meet me at the station. But! I never did. I talked to my sister whilst I was there alone and fond out that what was happening to me had happened to her also, she spoke to her mother in law who said I could stay with them, there was no need for me to go back to the abuse! Suddenly I had my way out, totally out of the blue and unexpected but I had to take it as I had no idea when such a chance would come again.
The next day when I was meant to go home I didn't, when they met the train and saw I wasn't on it they called and asked why, I said I wasn't coming back.. He took the phone off mum and said 'well you are coming home, we'll come and get you'.. I got upset by that and my sisters in-laws advised us to go out and stay out until we knew they had been and gone. They travelled over 60 miles to try and take me home, but he failed for the first time in years he didn't control what I did, he couldn't hurt me anymore I thought. But how wrong was I? He still managed to hurt me from afar, as he banned my Mum having any contact with me for nearly 4years.. I'll never forgive him for that, but then again in some ways she was just as abusive as he was, she also force fed me, beat me with slippers, canes and belts. So maybe it was a good thing that I had no contact until I was stronger!
In time I found a place of my own and a job to support myself, it was very lonely as I knew no one and london is a very lonely place especially for a young niave girl on her own. But I survived it as I had survived many things in life up to that point. I had to survive there was no other way, I wasn't going to let him win anymore. Remembering those days today was tough, all the feelings of lonelyness and heartache came flooding back to me as I recalled it, remembering that my mother didn't really make much of an effort to gain contact for 4 yrs, why I ask myself now? Because she beleived him when he told her that she should ignore me? Her own flesh and blood meant nothing to her over him, hense why she allowed the abuse to happen to us all in the first place, she never protected me as a child or as an adult so whats new? Even when we did get in touch again after all that time the first words she said to me consisted of why did you leave? as if she didn't know. Then when I told her I'd met someone she called me a whore! I'd not even slept with him at that point, she had no idea at all. Just because she listened to him all the time. Thank God she isn't here anymore as there are so many questions I'd be asking her, especially today! My feelings tonight are in turmoil as I don't know what I should be feeling, sad that I lost her so early, sad that I can't remeber ever feeling really close to her as a child, sad that she never said 'I love you', sad that I can't remember her ever giving me a hug when I cried and saying it would be ok? and angry that I have these feelings about my own mother!!

I don't know what to do right now, I just want to hide away from the world and scream for the mother I never had, scream and ask her why didn't she love me enough to protect me from him? Why did she sit back and watch him abuse her children? so many questions and no way of finding the answers.......