Well.. its been two days since I came in and wrote here! two days where I have re-lived the past both nights, having been triggered again..

Its just so not fair, all I can remember from last nights flashback is the pain, pain and pressure pushing up inside me to my stomach and the most horrendous stomach ache afterwards, then everything went green? I have no idea what the relevance of green is at this time but recently its what I see everytime I get a flashback. Even if I open my eyes I see green not the room I am in.. but just green everywhere. Its like I am blindfolded or something because there are no shapes that I can see and no people that I can hear! I know the flashback was Don again I could smell Him! and his cheap aftershave.. so I know now that he abused me many times, he raped me on any occassions as I grew up just like he did to my sister.

What kind of sick bastard is he? why would anyone want to hurt a child the way he hurt us? did he get some sort of warped pleasure from seeing us cry in pain? Did he find it attractive that as children we were not developed, had no pubic hair and no breasts? Was that what he fantasised about? I sometimes sit and wonder how many other children he abused? How many other people that are now adults have the scars that I have because of him? There are so many questions that go through my head all the time that I sometimes think I'm going crazy..

As I speak to my sister, who right now is very ill I think about the damage that he has caused, because of him and what he did, she got into the wrong crowd and started doing the drugs thing, as a result she now has Hepititus C and is receiving treatment, there is only a 30% chance that it will work for her and if it doesn't she will need a liver transplant or will die! the result of his abuse is so painful...... I could kill him!
This is the one sister who I can say truely understands me because she suffered at his hands sexually as well.. my other sisters don't really know what its like as they weren't sexually abused by him, they endured the other physical and verbal stuff but thats much easier to get over, It makes me sick when they tell me 'it's in the past, forget it and move on with your life'.. if only it was that fucking easy then I wouldn't be where I am today with a failed marriage behind me and on my own.. I honestly beleive that my marriage failed because I couldn't fully relax sexually, he didn't know about a lot of the things that went on because in his own way he was also abusive, controlling and such. If I had not suffered the Abuse maybe I wouldn't have married him! maybe I'd have waited until I found someone who really cared for me the right way, instead I married him because he was what I knew! I'd seen my mother put up with all sorts of abuse and bullying from her partners and I guess I thought that was the way it was... so I went for it as well and suffered as a result.

But thats what ABUSE does.. it confuses the child and makes them feel different things should be expected in life.. instead of us finding someone who really cares for us we tend to go with the first person who we think cares and often they trun out to be abusers also... as in my case and that of many other survivors I know...