Friday...

As usual this means therapy sessions and time for some tough talking.. Today I had been asked to take in a few poems that I'd written about things and took in the ones placed on here in the last few weeks..'Come What May' and 'Make them Pay!' I was asked about when I wrote them and what was going on at the time..

As I said previously 'Make them Pay' was written about a year ago, when things first started to really hit me again and I knew I needed help dealing with it all.. It was basically asking for politicians to help the Victims of Abuse by providing the help that we need to move on with life after the events.. I was struggling big time and knew that I needed help but with my financial situation at the time I just couldn't see a way of affording it, I beleived then as I do now that this should be free to Survivors as none of it was our fault! We didn't ask to be Abused.. yet we are financially penalised for however long it takes in therapy to work through things.. Yet The Abusers are funded by Governments World Wide in the hope of re-habilitating them.. we know they can't be CURED! so why waste the money on a useless cause, give it to the victims in support instead??

The second poem 'Come What May' was only written about a week or so ago.. following a flashback in the morning, with all sorts of things going on in my head and very vivid clear memories.. The poem was about me trying to find my Voice to speak about what has happened to me! I find that I can write it down without a problem but whenever I start to try and speak it I get like a lump in my throat and the words just will not come out of my mouth.. My therpist suggested that this is partly, because of the threats made to me as a child to stop me telling, sub-conciously my mind instantly goes back there if I try to speak about it at all, the feelings and fears return, hence the lump in my throat stopping the words coming out.. She suggested that maybe I can find away to distract myself, (by maybe imagining myself to be somewhere else) when I get the feelings coming up and try to continue talking a little more at a time.. She said in time if I persevere this should enable me to begin to verbalise what happened without getting tongue tied or to upset.. She asked me about the lines
'A simple little mask we'll all wear'.
'We'll hide our pain, from all to see,'
'Until the darkness comes, to you and me'.

She asked me what I meant by the 'little mask' and the only way I could explain it was to say that if you meet up with friends regularly and everytime you saw them they asked you how you were, even if you feel rotten we ALL tend to say we're fine! my mask is like that, whenever anyone asks how I am I reply fine! because if I said how I really feel, after a while people would get fed up with me saying 'I feel horrible, sad, alone, depressed etc.. and therefore would stop wanting to be around me.. so in reality we all, even those who are not Survivors wear a mask... to most people we hide how we feel each day.. we rarely admit to feeling bad, sad etc.. With Survivors though its harder to remove the mask and let people in as we have such big trust issues and fear our past being used against us to hurt us as we have been hurt before.. So The Mask stays firmly in place most of the time until we feel we can trust enough to let someone in to see the real us!..

She asked me next about the last line 'Until the darkness comes, to you and me' and asked what I meant by that, I told her that when I get tired at the end of the day, that is when the flashbacks, bad dreams etc start and I have difficulty trying to control them.. She asked me if I could recall the last Flashback and I told her about the one I wrote on here yesterday about my sister being attacked and raped, missing for 3/4 days and then beaten on her return for being home late! she wasn't beleived by him or Mum even though she had the burn marks to prove her story?? What was their problem?? Did they not see how upset she was? Did they not notice how dishevelled and ragged she looked? Or was it more important to them that was there for them to use and Abuse??
IT makes me sick to the stomach to know that they did nothing at all to help her, just as they did nothing to help me, in fact they did it to me!!!

Sorry can't write anymore..