Saturday Morning..

Woke up this morning ay 6.30am with a jump after having a bad dream, I just had to get up there was no way I could stay there and go back to sleep.

In the dream I saw Don again, so much seems to be about him lately that I sometimes wonder what else happened in my life! From what I remember of the dream He was shouting at my siblings and myself, we were all at home and something had happened that had upset him, not sure what.. anyways.. he was saying how useless we all were and that we'd never amount to anything, we were stupid kids with no idea how the world works.. well yes I think I was only about 10 in the dream, so I didn't know really how things worked but I did know that I didn't like what he was doing! Anyway he made us all sit on the sofa whils he questioned us one by one, he wanted to know what had happened with something... the next thing I remember is him telling my eldest sister to go over to him, which she had to do, he made her remove her underwear and lean over his lap where he started to hit her, she tried everything she could to make sure we couldn't see anything, she was about 15yr old at the time and naurally embarrassed by what he was doing.. when he'd finished hitting her he told her to sit back on the sofa and called the next one over.. he did this with each of us in turn until he had hit us all.. all the while he was shouting about whatever it was we were supposed to have done.. by the time he stopped we were all upset trying not to cry, because if we cried he hit more.. After about an hour he gave up and told us all to get out of the house and not come back until tea time.. we willingly left and went out to the park..

By the time we returned home Mum was back from work and he had calmed down again, he started to ask us all if we'd had a nice day! what the fuck! he'd beat us all for whatever and then had the cheek to ask us in front of mum if we'd had a nice day! we coudn't say anything about what had happened because he would have either denied it or just hit us again when Mum wasn't there.. there was no point arguing with that man..

Another flashback I had last night, just as I was having some fun wih a friend I suddenly felt that I was right back there and he was raping me, I cried uncontrollably for what felt like ages, I remembered the pain, felt the fear and felt very vunerable once again. I have noticed this often happens on a friday night after therapy, I guess after talking about things they are all pretty clear in my mind so its easier for these things to happen.. I don't like it much but there's nothing I can do about it.. I just have to learn to deal with it and try to control it the best I can.. but its not easy. Some of the flashbacks on a friday are about him beating me, whilst others are about the rapes, they are the most painful to remember as I get the feeling that it is happening right then, the pain is clear and very strong, the emotions are crazy and I end up feeling that it has just happened all over again...

If I had the chance, and the strength I think I could honestly Kill that man, if I knew I could do it without any reprocussions I think I would, especially on a friday after therapy when everything is so clear in my mind.. but of course I wouldn't! I value my freedom far to much and know that to lower myself to do something like that makes me no better than him! and my God I am so much better than him!
I live my life calmly where I can and show my Children that I love them everyday.. they know they are cared for ... in fact just last week my son who is 18y old in just 7 days actually told me 'your the best Mum I could wish for, and I love you'! What better comment could he have made to me? It felt so good to hear him say those words that it re-assured me that I had done my best by my children and had no need to feel that I'd let them down the way I was let down.. I did something right for a change!..