Thursday morning..

Had a really bad night last night, initially as I first went to sleep I had a really bad dream about my childhood, eventually realising that no mater what I did I couldn't get back to sleep without going back there, so I decided to come back downstairs and have a warm drink.. whilst I waited for it to cool I picked up a pen and paper and this is what i wrote down....

CAN'T FRIGHT!

His Face in my head, as I try to sleep,

Dark distant memories, that I keep.

Feelings of pain, horror and disgust,

I kept it quiet, I knew I must!

Threats made to the child, Oh! so young,

The words mustn't roll off, of my tongue.

Keep them inside, only me they destroy,

He treated me like, his little toy!

Abused, raped and beaten from a young age,

Now that I'm grown, can I turn the page?

Stop the Abuse, deal with that pain,

Try to get my life, back on track again.

But! How do I stop all the pain and sorrow?

Am I looking ahead for a brighter tomorrow?

Can I say those words, explain just what he did?

That is the hard part, I do not kid!

Finding my voice to verbalise the facts,

Within myself, I'll make a pact.

Speak out those words, see where they go,

Sometime in the future I'll surely know.

Threats that he made, can no longer come true,

I know his now, as I'm telling you.

His fat ugly face, his hands mauling me,

That image at night, is what I see.

Need to find ways, to distract, not dream,

It's not happening now, even though it may seem.

Sleeping alone, in my bed at night,

Don't have to worry, cause me he can't fright!..

A second poem was also written last night, well at 2am this morning... here it is;

WALK TALL!.

As I close my eyes to go to sleep,

My memories come forward, those buried deep.

Seeing their faces, feeling their hands touch,

Feeling the pain, I dreaded so much!

Womdering why, they thought it was good!

Was it just because, they knew they could?

Did I have written across my brow?

'Abuse me' Here, right here and now?

How did they know? Had I been groomed?

Was all of my pain, and heartache doomed?

Am I doomed to nightmares, flashbacks and sorrow?

Or is there something, brighter waiting tomorrow?

When will it end, what can I do?

It's just the begining, I'm telling you!

My healing path, is twisted and long,

As I search out where in life I belong.

Do I deserve, a life full of pain?

If the answe is yes! What do they gain?

I firmly beleive, there is a way past,

The pain and the heartache, cannot last.

So I will fight on, and I'll try to talk,

If I stumble on the way, beside me please walk.

Please take my hand, guide me down the way,

I'm listening to all, you have to say.

Help me on my journey, lift me if I fall,

One day real soon, I will walk tall..

These sort of describe what i was feeling last night as I tried to sleep... thoughts and memories coming back causing me to fear sleeping... but hopefully one day soon they will ease eh!