Haven't written in here for a couple of days, as I have been quite down and not in a good space really, I've been getting so angry about what I was left to live with that I thought it best to stay away.

I haven't been sleeping to well either so that hasn't helped much, last night I went to bed about 1am and tried to have a good sleep, admittedly I fell asleep quite quickly bt I kept waking up in the night, I have no re collection of why I woke up but I do remember feeling vunerable at one point.. This morning I woke up about 7.30 am with tears streaming down my face sobbing like a baby. The reason for this is completely unknown to me, I just can not remember why, guess I had either a bad dream or a flashback about my past but I don't know.

It makes me feel quite sick when I realise how many other people in this world suffer the same kind of thing that I do most nights, that others out there are having flashbacks about their childhood and past, that they also feel the pain that I feel. How unjust is that, I ask? But I never get an answer!

I have so many questions that I would like to ask the powers that be, questions such as;
Why are the Abusers protected by law?
Why are the victims of this horrendous crime left to get on with it?
Why is there no support for us?
Why do the perpetrators get everything handed to them on a silver platter?
What are the SEX OFFENDERS Programmes meant to achieve?
Because a Phaedophile cannot be cured! So Why not use the money for good and give it to the victims by way of therapy and help?

Will I ever get the answer to these questions? I somehow doubt it very much! But these are the questions almost every victim wants the answes to. MY own therapist told me that sex offenders can't be cured because they themselves see nothing wrong in raping a child! So what is the point in wasting all that money for the programmes?

I write poems about my pain and past as many of you may realise, I have put a few up on this blog for people to read, but right now one particular poem comes to mind.. I'll put it here.. then try to explain what it means to me!

YOU NEVER LISTENED!


You never said you loved me,
Never said you even cared.
The love I saw you give to him,
With me you never shared.
You let him beat me everyday,
You let him shout and scream.
I wanted to run away each day,
But of that I could only dream.
When it came down to the meal times,
You let HIM force me to eat.
You never really cared for me,
Was it such a mean feat?
Was I such a difficult child mum?
That you couldn't show me love?
I used to sit and pray mum,
To that Jesus up above!
But it never made a difference,
He didn't hear my plea.
He just sat on the fence mum!
Ignoring little me!

This poem was written about my Mum, because I feel now that she could have done so much to stop this evil man, but for some reason she felt that she needed him in her life, so she ignored what he did and accepted the punishments he dished out to her children as being normal! I hate her for that. As a child I was the quiet one always trying to stay in the background out of the way, in the hope that if he didn't see me he wouldn't hit me! But mealtimes, well we always used to sit at the table as a family and there was no getting away from it.. he made mealtimes hell for me by force feeding me just because I was a slow eater! Mum used to sit and watch him do it! There is no way on this earth that I would ever let anyone do that to my kids, not even their own father! This man was nothing to me, just Mum's boyfriend and yet she didn't stop him! What kind of mother was she? A selfish cruel woman I guess who thought only of herself and her needs and ignored the needs of her children.. God I'm sorry but right now I HATE HER!..