Tuesday Morning..

Yesterday was not a good day for me at all, I was so low that I could easily have spent the whole day hiding away and crying.. you see just because it all happened so long ago doesn't mean that I have forgotten it, I clearly remember the humiliation, the pain, the embarrassment, telling my doctor what had happened to me as I grew up was so hard! I don't have that good a relationship with him, each time I go to see him I am compared with my older sister who hasn't really got any medical issues.. she wasn't raped as a child so doesn't suffer from the flashbacks or the memories thankfully. But it makes it so much harder for me to talk to him.

On previous consultations he has in fact mentioned how she copes with things that I find difficult? I know he shouldn't it should all be confidential, but because he has done this with me I am naturally wary of really talking to him about what I am going through, so most of the time I struggle on alone with just my friend and councellor to talk to.

The pain and memories of Child Abuse are vast, unless you have been through it yourself there is little hope of really understanding just what it is like to live through. I can admit to this blog that its not easy! But to admit it to anyone face to face is so hard.. you fear being judged you fear people thinking that you are exagerating the problem, so you keep quiet and struggle on alone. As I did for so many years, years and years of not knowing if I was going mad, years of tears and years of not being able to trust anyone for fear that they would hold it against me at some point in the future.

The reason so many Survivors keep quiet about what they have been through, is the way we do get treated when we finally speak up! we are degraded, treated like animals and made to feel that somehow it was our fault! Even though we were children when it all happened? I for one was asked how developed I was at the age of 14yr when he first sexually assaulted me? Well for the record I was still obviously a child, no bust to speak of no periods as yet! I looked like child because I was still a child! But they were looking for excuses, could I have led him on? as if! He was fat, ugly and not a nice person to be around so why would any child do that? My sister was just 8yr old when he raped her the first time... no way did she look like an adult! But the questions still had to be asked in the interviews when we firt reported it all.. By that time I was a 29yr old mother of two, had been married for some 7/8 years.. so they asked how my sex life had been affected by the Abuse? What has that got to do with whether he Abused us as Children ? I have no idea.

Things have got to change, it has to be made easier for Children of abuse to come forward and get it stopped, it has to be made clear that help for the Child is needed immediately, something I never had and was never offered! Only some 30 years later am I getting help and I have to pay for that myself? So as a victim of this horrendous crime I am made to pay myself if I want or need help to come to terms with it. I can't change what happened to me any more than other Survivors can but I have to stop it from ruling my life any longer. Hense why now I go for councelling each week to try and find a way through. I will continue the fight!

Its been over a week since I wrote in here last. A week where so much has happened that I haven't had much time to spare.

Last week I had two more abusive threatening phone calls, I have a good idea who is making the calls, well who is behind them but the police just don't want to hear it! even though I have been threatened with violence 'I'm gonna get you' and with being 'Raped' the police are not interested at all. They finally came to see me the evening after the second call.. they had called and said they would be round about 8.30 pm but turned up eventually at 11.30pm?
To a house where there were two women and a young lad, and where we had had threatening calls and a prowler for months! I have to admit when the door was knocked I was very wary of answering it.. That was until my son called down from upstairs that it was the police!

The officers really didn't give a damn all they suggested was that I change my number? What's the use in that? The person making the calls is committing an offence by making malicious calls yet they get off scott free? But I am told to continue calling in when the calls are received but expect no help from the police? The other night my son was on his way home when he had an accident, he fell and broke a fence and was stopped by police and charged with criminal damage? yet it was an accident! It was the same two officers who had been to my house about the calls? are they bias or what? It makes me sick!

I had therapy again on friday as is usual.. trying to deal with all my past is not easy.. remembering things that happened when I was a child is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but to move on with my life I have to do it.. I never realised just how hard talking was going to be? I've kept quiet for so long about it all, that to now start opening up is not only hard but painful as well. As a Survivor of Childhood Abuse would tell you all its a painful process that can take years to get through.

For many it is just to hard to do and for some its a necessity like myself. I was experiencing frequent flashbacks, sleepless nights, nightmares and memories of past events and really didn't know what to do about it. I spoke to a friend on line who suggested that therapy would help me but as I had never been through the process before I was naturally wary of it. I waited about 6 months before finally realising that I needed help with everything, I wasn't coping well and not sleeping either so I went to my GP to ask for help! It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. rather than actually tell him what I needed help with, ( I was embarrassed, ashamed and upset to admit) I passed him a poem that I had written about my life.. this poem said about just about everything that had happened to me.. upon reading it he gave me a phone number for councelling that I had to call... that first therapist session was a nightmare to say the least.. I left after an hour in tears vowing never to return... I waited a further 3 months before I found my own councellor privately.. a much better idea for me as I decided who to tell.. I'll put that poem here and you can see for yourself what I was going through at the time. I hope no one here judges me for what I went through, please remember that I felt I had no choice at the time I was unable to stop things happening back then, but no more! never again will I let anyone hhurt me the way they did no way!..

MY LIFE...

Its time to deal with all my pain, before it drives me, completely insane.
I don't know, quite where to start, I was never very good at art.
I'd paint a picture, sing a song,but somehow I know, I'd get it wrong.
To explain, what YOU, put me through., it is so very hard to do.

I was just a child of 5 or 6, When you started hitting me with bamboo sticks,
What as a child, did i do so wrong, Why oh why did it last so long,
You'd beat me if i was slow to eat, didn't put shoes quickly on my feet,
Looked the wrong way, laughed out loud, my whole life lived under a cloud.

At 14 the biggest sin of all,you ruined my teenage years that fall,
But silent tears i did weap, that awful secret i had to keep.
By 16years I had some strength, put miles between us at great length,
Get away from you, surely now, my life can begin again somehow.

Sixteen years old and all alone, crawling from under every stone,
I was shy, quiet, and reserved, relationships gone, not preserved,
Alone I lived for many years, living alone with all my fears,
Then someone special came to me, at last a life ! I could see.

Made me feel special, made me feel great, I began to believe i'd found my soul mate
Wedding bells rang, a date was set, all of my dreams finally met.
Two weeks before our special day, fate showed me another way,
He came and knocked me late at night, My GOD I PUT UP SUCH A FIGHT...

But my special someone stayed by my side, emotions on a rollercoaster ride,
We married and settled, into our new lives, there was nothing at all i could hide,
Eleven years passed, two lovely kids, somehow the marriage was on the skids,
He flirted, he cheated, he didn't want me, I was confused, hurting couldn't he see?

But, as always determined to work things out, we talked at length, but didn't shout,
Then one day they came to stay, reminding me of his EVIL WAYS,
He beat mum up he knocked her down, on the floor with mud on her gown
I told her that day, what he'd done, told her I wasn't the only one.

I cried, she cried what can we do?, "make him pay, for, what he's done to you ",
Report him, then we'll make him pay, there really is no other way.
My Mum, she met someone new, her happiness now was overdue,
They married as quickly as they could, one day I'd wonder if they should.

Before our day for justice came, Our emotions, we just had to tame,
Mum was taken from us so fast, That marriage something that couldn't last,
They had just 6 months married life, duration of time as "man and wife",
She died so suddenly, can't you see, she went, she left it all to me.

Soon after she died, our day in court, the hardest day ever, that I thought,
They grilled, embarrassed and harrassed me, my detailed story was what they asked me,
At last it was over, the hard work was done, we'd stood on the stand one by one,
They found him GUILTY that we know, its 9 years in prison he will go.

My life, was steady even and straight, to get all that over, I couldn't wait,
It was dealt with, gone in the past, the pain I hoped wouldn't last.
My sisters, they couldn't understand, by my side, they wouldn't stand,
They don't know the second or the third, my little voice could never be heard.

I was married, a simple mother of two, oh! my god, what could i do?
It happened again when i was thirty three, would I ever, ever be free?
No one knows about the last, theres so much they don't know in my past,
Somehow soon I'll find a way, To tell them all come what may..


Thanks for reading.................

Thursday evening.


So far this week has gone from bad to worse, first of all on monday evening I put my back out and ended up in the local hospital Accident and Emergency department. As if that wasn't bad enough, it took the paramedics over an hour just to get me mobile enough to get into the ambulance.. entinox is wonderful!! lol The doctor at the hospital was all but useless asking me what I wanted her to do? After an hour or so I just asked her to give me pain releif and muscle relaxant and let me go home! she wasn't going to do anything else anyways so I saw no point in staying there.

I spent all day tuesday stuck in bed in a lot of pain, if it hadn't been for my friend I don't know wat I would have done. When I moved here my sisters (who live around the corner) said they would help if I needed it thats why I moved here? but when I needed it where were they? far to busy to even pick up my meds from the local chemist... they had the prescription by 11am bu brought the tablets up to me at 5pm! I'd been in agony all day not that they gave a damn. They didn't even ask how I was? so what was the point in me moving here? I haven't heard from either of them since either.

Wednesday I finally forced myself to get mobile again and got up and went out, painful to say the least but I could bear it just. Today the shit hit the fan! I got a letter from the Incapacity Benefit people telling me that I didn't qualify anymore? they have stopped my money immediately including my income support until I appeal? what I'm supposed to live in meanwhile I have no idea, they said its down to the medical I had back in November and my doctors report? But I am getting Disability Living allowance for life because of my back problem, but according to them I have no problem? wok that one out if you can. So I have spent today trying desperately to work out what to do, I've been job hunting big time but not many employers will take on someone with the problems I have, so what do I live on meanwhile? fresh Air I guess....

I'm so frustrated right now because of all this I have had to cancel my therapy tomorrow because I have to go and see my GP, to find out what he said in his report, and I can't afford to go anyway.. so back to square one for me.. no therapy no help and stuff the victims of Abuse because we don't matter to anyone at all.. It makes me sick to my stomach... What I'm going to do in the future I have no idea, and at this time don't care, I could lose my home, starve to death and be freezing.. so at least they won't need to put me in the morgue eh! just leave me at home it will be cold enough anyways..

VERY FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW AND DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIND A SOLUTION TO ALL THIS MESS..

Monday Morning.

Didn't make it in here on Friday afternoon, I usually come in after therapy and write about what we have discussed but life got in the way and I just couldn't find the words to write so I missed it..lol.

It was a pretty calm session for the most part, as we talked about me moving home and starting fresh in a new area, I so can't wait for the day that I leave this house and move to my new one. we talked briefly about the Abusive phone call I had before Chritmas and how I had received a phone call from the police the other day notifying me that the perpetrator had been served an Anti-Harrassment order by the police, even the other child who they claimed made the call has now been served with the same order! So for once the police did listen to the victim.. makes a change eh!

We then started chatting about the group I run on msn, and my therapist asked me what I get from it, I tried to explain that its partly knowing that I am not alone in my pain and also that I feel I may be able to help someone else cope with their own pain just by letting them know that I undertand. It helps a lot knowing that others suffer the same type of nightmares/ flashbacks and is helpful listening to how they deal with it all. Jane asked me how I deal with my flashbacks and I tried to explain to her that I don't very well. When they happen sometimes I can stop them, by concentrating on something totally unrelated.. thereby bringing me out of it. But there are occassions when for instance I am tired and can't stop it! that's when my friend comes into her own, because 90% of the time she can bring me back pretty quickly.. many a time I come round crying and choking because of what happened but with my friends help I am soon able to calm down again. It can take anything from a few minutes to hours or even days to recover from a bad flashback, it really does depend how far into it I go before it stops. I have several times had stomach pain the following day because of them, and its not a nice feeling at all. It feels as though it has all just happened again and I am terrified of going anywhere, just want to stay safe in my own home with all the doors locked ect.. Sometimes I feel that other people will know whats in my head, that they will know I was abused as a child! even though I know it wasn't my fault now it still makes me feel ashamed sometimes. I it wondering why I let it happen? Why didn't I try harder to tell someone, to make them listen and understand? Why didn't i leave sooner? so many questions and no answers that make any sense to me. Of course deep down I know I couldn't have done any of that, I tried telling and no one was listening, I ran as far away as I could as soon as I was able to.. but the pain followed me and will follow me for the rest of my life! We have decided to discuss in more detail exactly what happens in my flashbacks at the moment, to see if there is some way in which I can gain control quicker, thereby making them less effective on me. maybe that will be next week eh!

We went back to talking about me moving house and how I will be able to continue my therapy with her, it is a bit further away so will just mean that I have to leave home a little earlier on a friday morning to get there on time, but I'm sure it will be well worth it in the long run.
I can't wait to get to my new house, even though it will be a bit further from my family its still only a short drive for them or me if we want to meet up.. so better than when I lived in London and they were all down here. I have been busy sorting things out over the weekend having a bit of a clear out and throwing away things that I know I don't need anymore.. I have a Surveyor coming round today for the people who want to buy this house, fingers crossed there are no problems... then everything can go ahead as planned and I can move out of here in a few weeks.. well the solicitors say 2-4 months for completion.. but we hope to do it all much quicker than that..
I'll try to keep you updated as things continue alone the way.. but if I dissappear for a while it will just be that I am busy with packing or moving.. but I'll be back..

Wednesday morning..

Its cold and wet here again as is usual here in the UK.. Finally my back is feeling better and I am able to get about without to much pain, though it's still there! But hey my own fault eh!.. should be more careful coming downstairs..

After saturday night in my chat room I tried to reflect on just how much I had told people about me! I realised that without going into detail about the rapes I had in fact told them all quite a lot which is unusual for me.. I usually find it very hard to talk about myself. Maybe this is a sign that I am slowly getting over things or that they need to be told? not sure which at the moment but either way its good for me to get it out.

I've been having this really weird dream these last few nights, all I see is my brother running away from me and I am running as well, we can't be more than about 5 or 6 yr old in the dream but I have no idea what it means? after seeing that I see this man's face with a scrawled up face, teeth bared and screaming... It scares me and I just want to get away.. then I wake up? I don't dream that anything happens and I don't know who this man is but its not pleasant..

Things here have been pretty quiet on the prowler front this past week or so! fingers crossed he's given up eh! mind you the weather has been horrible of late so that may be partly the reason.. but I hope he's given up realising that he can't get in. I had a good phone call last week from the police who told me that the lad who made the abusive call to me before Christmas has in fact been cautioned.. he has been told he is not allowed to make any contact with me at all which is re-assuring to say the least.. maybe he was something to do with the prowler? because thinking abou it its since then that its been quiet? weird eh!

Anyway have a busy day again today, lots to do to get this house move happening so I'll get off here and get on with it.. will write again soon..

Sunday afternoon..

I am sitting in the same spot that I've been in all day, you see yesterday I had a bit of an accident and fell down the stairs.. I've hurt my back and today am really sore, still it will ease in a few days if I take it easy eh!

Went to see a few houses for sale again yesterday, and saw one for the second time I think that maybe this is one I will try to get as it is in a good location and even though it needs some work it has such potential that its worth going for. It needs a new kitchen and bathroom and a paint job through out, but I feel that I can handle it. There are 4 bedrooms so I will have a guest room for visitors which will be great, no one will have to sleep on the sofa anymore! cool eh!

I was in my groups chat last night, and we had a few new members come in for the first time, the bravery of some of these people is amazing and gives me a real boost. You see most people joining a new group for Abuse Survivors don't start talking about themselves until they know the other members a little bit, but last night was different. I guess these people needed to talk so we listened and very soon I found myself opening up a little and talking about myself!
With some 14 people in the room, and I knew about 6 of them, I found myself telling them all that my abuse began at the tender age of 5years old, it continued until I left home at 16 years and then I had the incidents at age 19yr and 32yr.. in between the second and third incidents I had an abusive controlling marriage to live through, the only good thing to come from it was my two children who I wouldn't swap for the world! (well sometimes I would happily lol).. I surprised myself by how much I actually told these people, but sometimes you need to open up a bit to let them know that they are free to talk as well.. it was a really good chat last night and I hope that those people feel able to return again its a good feeling talking to people that you know understand where your coming from. It took me years to find such groups and I must admit it was the best thing I ever did, I met the person who is now my best friend through these groups and have received so much support there that now I want to pass that on to other survivors, hence the reason why we set up the group we now run!. I hope the members there feel as supported and listened to as I do!.. its a great group of people all survivors of some type of abuse, be it Domestic Violence, Childhood Abuse or Sexual Abuse we all struggle from day to day with memeories and flashbacks etc so its good to know others understand.

I'm starting to write my story for real this week, and even though I know it will be tough going in places I intend to complete it by the end of the year. I will write as much detail as I can cope with even though I know it will not be easy! But who said life was easy eh? not me! will let you know how it goes..

Friday Evening..

Well today I was back at therapy for the first time since before Christmas, three weeks ago to be exact. It was a bit strange to be back in an environment where I can talk freely about my past without worrying about being overheard, or someone seeing me if I get upset Its actually a good feeling to have when your going to be talking about difficult things that can be upsetting and often 'triggering'.

Today we had a quick update chat about how things are going and how it was over the holidays, I told her about the arguement I'd had with my daughter on Boxing day (26th) and how when she called me from her work a few days later it was as if nothing had happened? This is typical of her it happens all the time, I can recall many times when we have argued over things and next day she acts as if nothing had happened. Even though I can get upset at the things she says to me, the way she disrespects me and such, I don't even get as much as an apology! I'm used to it now though so don't take any notice of her comments any more. Unless they are extremely hurtful and unjustified then I can really blow up!

After all that I told Jane that I had finally sold my house and it looks as though I could be moving in about 6-8 weeks, she was really pleased for me and said it would give me the opportunity to have a fresh start away from all the problems here, and away from the memories that this town holds for me.
She asked me If I had made any new years resolutions and I said I had made three, 1) is to move house. 2) to get a new Job. and the most important of all 3) to write my second book! She asked me how I was planning to write the book and I told her that unlike the first this one would not be full of poetry but would still contain some of the poems I've written, along with more details about the things I have survived in my life. Basically one chapter followed by a poem at the end explaining where I am today and how it has effected me. Jane thought this would be a good idea and suggested that I talk to my siblings to get more details about incidents that we all went though. By doing this I will be able to give a more factual picture to the reader about what things were like for me as a child. She suggested that I continue writing my blog here as she thinks it will help me when the going gets tough, and I will need to express the feelings brought up by delving deep into my history. She also reminded me that I can always talk to her about my feelings anytime, thats why I go to see her each week apart from dealing with my issues I can talk about feelings raised by them and try to undertand them.

We then went on to talk about how supportive my siblings are towards me, I told her that as its always been my brother and one of the sisters (I have 3) that have always looked out for me.
As a child my brother used to take the blame for things I had done to save me from being beaten.. I recalled one incident where I had broken a cup whilst washing up, nothing serious I hear you all say, but in my household it was punishable by a beating. We all were told to sit on the sofa and were asked who was responsible! as we sat there my brother looked at me, I tried to stand and own up to the fact that it had been me, but my sister pulled me back down onto the chair as my brother stood and said he'd done it? I'll never forget the beating he took that day for as long as I live, and I doubt he will either, he has the scars on his back as a constant reminder.. He was hit with the belt buckle end just for supposedly breaking a cup! Yet he didn' even do it?

If our Mum had thought about it for more than a minute she'd have known it wasn't him as he wasn't on washing up that day? It seems that all she cared about was who could she hit? it didn't matter to her which one of us it was, she didn't want to or couldn't protect us, she proved that over the years! Several times over. By allowing all the other things to happen she also proved to me that she didn't care at all as long, as she was happy with whatever man she had in her life we didn't matter! Shows just what kind of mother I had eh? One who was selfish and uncaring, who allowed the men in her life to abuse and rape her kids and she did nothing to stop it? Jane asked me how that made me feel and I had to admit that I was hurt by it the realisation that you own mother doesn't care for you at all is a hard nut to swallow. But swallow it I did and I got on with my life. Even through all the problems I have had with my daughter I hope she knows that I do still love her and care a great deal about her and what she is doing with her life. I could never be as callous and uncaring as my mother was towards me and my siblings.

Jane and I talked about how I felt towards my brother and how close we are now because of our childhood, I told her we are very close more nowadays than we have ever been and I'm just glad that he is a part of my life now. I see my sisters often as two live nearby and thats good as well but can be overpowering at times.. they seem to still see me as a young child who needs protecting, they can't get it into their heads that I am now an adult able to make my own decisions in life.

Anyways I'm going to start writing my biography over the next few days so look out on this space as I will no doubt be here quite a lot witing about how it feels to remember new things. My earliest memory is when I was abot 18 months/2 years old so I am starting from that point in my life.. time will tell eh?

Thursday Evening..

Been a few days since I've written in here, a few days where I have been busy house hunting.. You see just before Christmas I had an offer on my house, I've been trying to sell up for a few months now as I don't really feel that safe here anymore since the prowler started bothering me at night time. The police have been useless and done nothing to help, so my only option has been to try and move, now it looks like It might be happening! I have seen so many houses these past few days that are potential new homes, some of them I have no idea how the owners could try to sell them as they are in a mess. But each to their own eh! I saw one today where the smell hit you as soon as you walked in, it was dirty and horrible, no way could I move in there. But on the other hand I saw a couple of really nice ones, some to far out from the town area I want to be in but another was right in the middle of town! it had four good sized bedrooms and although it needs updating if I could get it for the right price it sure would be a good family home.. Just got to sort out my mortgage now and see if I can make an offer on it! wish me luck eh?

Apart from house hunting things have been pretty good since Christmas, I've only had one or two bad nights with flashbacks/dreams of the past so thats good eh! I get to go back to therapy tomorrow morning.. whoopee !!! lol... It's been three weeks since I've been there due to the holidays so I have no idea what we will talk about during the session but no doubt she will think of a way to get me talking about my childhood and some of the things that went on. Time will tell eh?

I'll write in here tomorrow after therapy like I always do.... it helps me to work things out and get my head straight...

Its now Monday 1st January 2007..

I spent New Years Eve last night with a good friend having a few drinks and a little fun, it made a nice change from being surrounded by people as I had been over the Christmas Holidays, don't get me wrong it was nice to have everyone here but by New Year I sure needed the rest..lol and after visisting all the January sales that are customary here in the UK.. We finally went to sleep about 2am and slept until 8.30am whereby we hit the sales once again.. more bargains bought and money spent.. but its over now until I get myself a job and a better income..

My son has returned home from visisting his father for a few days and I must admit its good to have him back, I had a bit of a weird experience today whilst going round the sales, we stopped to have lunch in a well known store, this old man who must have been about 70 sat nearby and kept staring at me, I thought it strange but ignored it as a whole.. as we left the restaurant he was still eating his meal but winked and smiled at me as we passed him.. I again ignored it, but as we walked round the store I noticed that he was nearby he seemed to be following us! We left the arcade and went to some shops outside and I put it out of my mind.. after about 2 hours in need of a drink we returned to the store cafe' its the only place where I can have a smoke with a coffee..lol.. we were there about 30 minutes or so, but as we left that same guy turned up again, again he followed us around the store, lurking in the ladies nightware department and hiding behind pillars ect... I wanted to ask him what he was doing and why he was following us, but my friend suggested we just leave.. feeling very shaken by this point I agreed and we headed to the car, I constantly felt as though I was being watched and just wanted to get out of there.. we headed to the car and headed for home.. I didn't see him again and now wish I had asked him what he was playing at! still we arrived home safely and that was that..

As we begin yet another year I have just sat here and watched a true movie about a Survivors search for truth. The movie is Called 'Searching for Angela Shelton' and stars Angela herself. It truely was an inspiation to watch as she journeyed across America looking for people with the same name as herself, during her search she finds many other Angela Sheltons, 70% of whom had been abused/raped or molested during their lives. Towards the end Angela confronts her father on fathers day! naturally he denies the abuse she suffered at his hands, whilst watching that part of the movie I cried.. I was so emotional as I knew, like all paedophiles he would deny it, they always do! Her father had a striking resemblance to my first step father, his size his approximate age so many things.. the tears flowed as I felt her pain at his denial. Why did he deny it? How could a child of five years old know what it was to 'jerk him off'? Does he think she is stupid? that she has false memories? he asked her to forget the past and move on! WTF! If he knew the pain he had caused to the daughter he claims to love, the daughter he hadn't seen for some 12 yrs.. would he have admitted his actions towards her? Somehow I doubt it..

I have had a few tough days over the holidays a few flashbacks have come up and memories of Christmas's Past, but I got through it all with the help of my Best friend.. who is here with me now. I hope she will always be here for me as I know I will be there for her come what may.

Thankyou my friend just for being you!