Tuesday Morning..

Had a rather weird day yesterday.. I went to see a psychic/Clairvoyant and wow did she have some things to tell me? It started off all calm and really the things she said to me could have been about anyone, Such as, 'you still have some wrapping to get done for christmas, make sure you do it in a quiet space alone as else you will get the labels muddled up.. how many of us still have wrapping to do at this time of the year? loads of us I'll bet.. so that was pretty general suff that could have applied to anyone..but then suddenly he started asking me if I had noises keeping me awake at night? initially I said no as my neighbours are old and pretty quiet all the time.

Then I thought about it and told her that I had in fact had a sort of prowler hanging round my house at nigts and making a small amount of noise! She very quickly told me that I had to be very careful of this person, he is mentally ill and is basically stalking me? She couldn't tell me who it was just that he was a little younger than me and that as long as I am with someone everytime I go out I will be safe. She said that I had to take great care as this person is nasty and could hurt me given the chance.. to be honest this scared me quite a bit at first but she went on to tell me that as long as I'm careful making sure my house is locked up well at night then I will be safe.. She told me that I have a guardian angel looking out for me, she said that my Nana was nearby and telling me that I should eat my sprouts!! Yuk.. my Nan knew tat I hated the things, lol.. but she said I would have people visit over christmas who liked them and I should steam cook them so as not to get the smell.. This was just the sort of thing my Nan would say tome as I grew up so I guess I started to beleive what she was telling me.. She went on to say that this man who is causing me trouble and making it hard for me to sleep well at night would soon be 'nabbed'.. he was good at hiding as he doesn't want to be seen, hense everytime I called the police he was always gone by the time they arrived.. His arrest apparently will be when he makes a mistake.. something to do with his car and petrol, she thought maybe he forgot to fill his tank and he runs out so gets caught.. something about Christmas eve being the night when it will be pouring with rain and he will be here again.. making noises trying to gain access to the house.. but he won't be able to get away in time and gets caught..

All of this has made me feel uneasy to be honest, I know someone has been trying to get into my house for months now, but I always tried to put it down to kids messing about, so as not to scare myself.. but now hearing this I have to admit that I will take heed of what she said and not go out alone.. If I have no choice but to venture out by myself I have to take extra care, but always make a note of who is around and where they are in relation to me.. that way I should be safe.. but preferably try not to be in that situation especially at night time.. I told her that my sister had been having similar problem and because she is bed ridden it gives me great cause for concern, but she re assured me that my sister will come to no harm, she will be safe as this man will be caught soon..

Weird or what! I really don't know what to make of it all to be honest.. The last time we called the police about this person they made it quite clear that they didn't beleive us at all, but this woman yesterday said they are doing a lot behind the scenes that I don't know about yet, but when the time comes they will let me know that I am safe.. she said I'm to stop running away from things and start standing my ground for once in my life, she does not see me moving house in the near future, yet my house is up for sale because of all this.. but she told me NOT to move! Don't let this person run you out of your home.. she said! so now I'm not really sure what to do at the moment, do I sit and ride this out or do I continue to try and move away? She said if this is a stalker like she beleives it is he will only follow me if I move, so moving is futile..stand my ground and stay in my house!..

She doesn't beleive this person to be connected to my past, its not a evenge type of thing just someone who i mentally ill and for whatever reason has become obsessed with me! there's nothing I can do except keep myself safe and make sure I don't go out alone.... SO I guess for the near future I will just have to take extra care when I'm out and about and avoid quiet dark places if I'm alone.. Time will tell if she is right or not eh!

Well I'm getting myself all ready for Christmas now, the shopping for gifts is underway and hopefully I have made good choices this year for everyone... I just hope they all like the gifts I have chosen for them.. Still got a little bit more to do but hope to get it all done by this weekend so that I can sit back and relax in the run up to the big day itslf.. This year I will have a few of us here, my daughter will be coming home from London and I have my friend here from Norway as well as my son and our young friend who used to live with us.. so basically 5 of us, not to many but enough to have a good time, we'll also no doubt also get some visitors over the holiday as my sisters live nearby and will likely drop by to say hello.. should be a good one eh!

Sunday Night..

Just one question in my head today and that is 'How do you deal with someone who puts you on a pedastal?'

How can you make them realise that you are just human and nothing special? That you do things wrong and make wrong decisions in life as much as the next person?

You see I have someone like that in my life right now, and no matter what I do they never seem to see the mistakes I make, never accept that I get it wrong sometimes.. I'm not perfect and have never claimed to be so, but I just can't cope with this at the moment.. this person has even copied some of my writings in the past, where I have written a poem for instance they seem to write one on a similar subject within days.. It's like they want to be me!

Well feel free mate! take my life, my pain and my confusion and have it all as your own, but don't expect me to be there to pick up the pieces when you can't cope with it all.. your welcome to it, heartache as well.. nightmares and flashbacks as well... I would do almost anything to have them gone from my consious mind and sub consious... I really don't know how to cope with this right now as I am struggling enough to understand what is going on in my head every night... I would welcome the release and break from my own thoughts.. so if you really want to be me then be me! But if you don't think you can take it all then please stop trying so damned hard to do what I do.. I consider you a friend and that is all you can ever be in my life, nothing more nothing less, but if this continues the way it is now I feel that I will have to sever all contact with you so that I can be myself and get though my issues my own way!

I don't mean to sound mean here, I know some people need a role model to look up to, most of us have one, but generally it is to ask opinions or advice, not to place them on a pedastal where they cna do no wrong in our eyes. We are all human and we all make mistakes in life, I try to not make serious mistakes but sometimes they do come out that way so why would anyone want to be me? Why would anyone want to live the life I live with all that has happened to me in the past? To see the flashbacks that I see at night to feel the pain from the Abuse..

I watched a really good, but sad film the other day called ' After The Promise' it is the story of four young boys who are taken away from their father after their mother died.. these poor children were put in several foster homes and institutions for many years, where they were abused horrendously, the eldest child so badly beaten, with his leg broken, that he ended up with a permenant limp and had been steralised whilst in the intitution... there was nothing wrong with them when they were put into the system, they were healthy happy young boys who's only problem was that their mother had died!, And the pwers that be decided their father couldn't care for them properly.

The story paints a horrific tale of what these poor children endured at the hands of the so called proffessionals who were supposed to care for them! A decendant of these boys has begun to write her story of how the abuse affects not only those who initially suffer it but also the generation that follows.. she is determined to continue the story after her father (one of the boys) dies..The other three boys have already passed away.... and I commend her for that.. you can read some of her writings at; http://www.writingsisters.com/cathy/2006/11/rejouvination_116287782442593970.html#comments

It's a sad story to read and as a writer myself and a published poet I have offered my help to her in any way she needs it.. I hope she can get the second part of the story out there, somehow we have to make everyone realise, that it is not just the one person who suffers from Abuse that is affected by it, but their family, their friends and anyone who tries to understand and help them... Try and see if you can get this film to view, it made me cry as the boys were finally re-united with their father at the end, all four had different problems because of the abuse they endured but their father loved them and was adament that he would bring them all home as soon as he was able... he faught the system and thankfully he won in the end, but not before the damage was done! If you see the film let me know how it affects you!! I'm interested to know..

Friday again...

Today therapy wasn't to bad, Jane asked how my week had been and I told her about the medical on wednesday and the doctors report saying that I had been diagnosed with depression back in 1996, she asked me how I felt about that an I said I was a bit confused as no one had told me, this was the firt time I had heard it.. but my own doctor hadn't mentioned my back problems at all! So I was a bit confued by this and intend to go and see him eary next week..

We covered lots of different area's from my childhood to my marriage.. initially we were talking about my Mum's experiences with the different men, that I saw as I grew up, although Don was a constant person in the household, she did occasionally see other people when he wasn't around for whatever reason.. She asked me 'what was my first memory of Don?' and I told her he was there from the first day that I arrived in England at age 5yr.. He was nasty from that point on and very rarely did he behave as you would expect a father/step father to be.. and I knew somehow that I would grow to hate him, just didn't know back then how much!

We went on to talk about when he first started abusing us all, and I said the physical and emotional stuff was immediately, but the sexual much later with me as I got older.. she asked me if I knew if he'd attempted to do anything with my sisters..I told her that my eldest sister had told me, that he tried to do something to her when she was about 14yr old, but someone came to the door and he stopped, never doing anything again... with Marie.. he had started on her sexually by the time she was 8yrs old.. raping her regularly... so I can't understand why he would try anything with the rest of us.. but by the time I was 14yr old he started on me... my other sister he had tried something but she was in the kitchen at the time and grabbed a knife and told him straight 'try anything and I'll use it'... well done her!!
Jane told me that she wondered if he had deliberately seeked out a family such as ours with four young girls in! as many phaedophiles target such families especially when the woman is alone and the father of the children not nearby!.. I have no idea if this is the case or not but it sure does sound a possibility..

We then started talking about my marriage... what had it been like? I told Jane that it was only a year or so ago that I finally accepted my marriage was abusive! she asked me how it was in the begining, was he controlling from the start? I told her that initially when we first met he was very nice, as you'd expect him to be. He stayed like that until we had been posted oversea's, (he was in the British Army when we met).. once oversea's I was unable to work so was totally dependant on him for everything, that's when things changed.. he started asking me what I'd done all day when he was at work, who had I seen what had we talked about etc... I didn't notice it at the time but looking back now I can see it clearly.. he was controlling my every move.. After having our daughter we came back to the UK.. and he carried on in the army here, money was tight so we decided it would be a good idea if I got a job.. so I found a child carer for my daughter and a job and returned to work.. I thought things would go back to how they'd been before we had been oversea's, but they didn't.. even though I was now earning again things remained the same, he even wanted to know who I had spoken to at work and what about!.. then I found out he was having an affair, with my so called best friend! he's got her pregnant three times before I found out what was going on.. thankfully each time it was an eptopic pregnancy so didn't result in any children... but that's no excuse.. I went to see her and basically ran her out of town.. Jane asked me if it felt good doing that and I had to admit it did.. for once in a long time I had finally stood up for myself.. We came out of the Army, initially he was going to move in with us (my daughter and I), just to make sure the flat was ok, but he never left.. it wasn't long before he was up to his old tricks again, but now he was keeping me short of money as well so that I couldn't do anything without him knowing about it...

Jane said that I probably accepted his behaviour because that was what I'd seen my Mother put up with, if you don't see good relationships around you as you grow up then how can you possibly know what a good one is? without that training it was almost guaranteed that I would follow in my mum's footsteps.. going from abuse to abuse.. just as I did, I was in the circle... I said it felt like I had 'Abuse me' written across my forehead at some points as it just kept happening to me as I grew up, even in my marriage.. Jane tried to understand what I meant by that but I said its as if I send out a signal that I am easy prey to abuse... But I felt that I had now finally broken the circle as I feel certain that I won't allow it to happen again....

We talked about a few other things that I don't feel ready to put in here yet, maybe sometime soon who knows.. but all in all it wasn't to bad today.. I have lots to think about over the next week till I see her again next friday...

Thursday night..

Been a really weird day today, haven't felt like doing much at all but seem to have hardly sat still for long at all... got lots of things done that I have been putting of for what seems like an eternity.. so at least it has been a productive day..

Feeling low again today and just feel I need to be on my own, which to be fair I have been quite a lot today, my friend who stays with me isn't well with a really nasty head cold so has spent most of the day in bed... so I've been alone downstairs a lot by choice.. One of my sisters visited earlier today and I was surprised by some comments she made to me, usually she tells me 'things are in the past move on' 'don't let it control your life' etc... but today she actually admitted that she knows how hard it is to do that! she reminded me that she is here for me anytime I want her to be, all I need to do is shout! complete shock to the system I can tell you.. she said she knows I'm finding things tough right now with therapy and such and she wants to help? If I need to talk just call her...

This reaction is totally different from what I have had from her before, so I'm not really sure how to take it.. do I accept her help and try to talk to her about what I went through, or do I carry on as before trying to talk to my friend and therapist? My only wory about talking to my sister is that at some point I feel she may just revert back to the forget it move on mode and if I'm having a particularly tough time at that point it could set me back so much... but if I expect it, will I be able to cope with it? but be surprised when it happens? I just don't know what to do?

Therapy again tomorrow morning and I am going to try and talk about all the stuff tat is happening for me right now with the nightmares and flashbacks, I'm going to try and explain to Jane what they are about and see if I can find a better way to cope with them.. memories can be so damned painful eh! I HATE IT!!

Wednesday Evening..

Today has not really been a very good day! First of all I woke up really early at 7am... much earlier than I had planned to wake up, but dreams and such can't seem to tell the time can they? I woke up with a start and almost jumped out of bed... After having a coffee to wake me up properly, I decided to go and have my shower and get dressed as I had to go out today..

To start off with I had to have a medical for my disability.. I arrived a few minutes late because of the traffic but it didn't matter as the doctor wasn't ready for me anyways, eventually he called me in and introduced himself, told me what he had been asked to do, then after asking me lots of questions about my condition, the doctor informed me that I had been diagnosed with Depression back in 1996? Yet I didn't even know about it?? How can that happen in this day and age? My own doctor had not informed them about my back problem, I have a disc herniation at c5/c6 in my neck which has resulted in me having Arthritus and Osteoporosis in my spine and shoulders affecting my hips and knees as well.. How could my own doctor fail to inform them of this? But tell them about the depression that I didnt know they had diagnosed back then? ok, I don't exactly go to him every week saying my back hurts, but last year year he referred me to the local hospital pain clinic and regularly gives me pain killers on prescription.... For my Back!!

After all the chatter this doctor today decided to examine my back and neck and really hurt me, Unintentionally, ever since then my neck and back has been very painful and no doubt now I will suffer tomorrow... he asked me what help I was getting with my depression and I told him that I attend councelling every week, He asked if it had got worse in the last year or so and I had to admit it had, then he asked me why,.. but I just said it was down to dealing with issues from my past...He asked me if my sleep was ok and I told him that it can vary, sometimes I sleep well but others I get woken up by my nightmares and flashbacks, so not a good sleep at all... he again asked me why, Probing for more information but I didn't tell him.. I suppose if he'd pushed a bit more I may have said something, but I didn't feel comfortable telling this guy who was after all a complete stranger to me, I've never seen him before and doubt I will ever see him again... so what was the point? All I need is for him to accept that I do have problems and am doing my best to overcome them.. he asked me if I hoped to return to work one day and I said that was my aim, but at the moment I just don't think I could cope with it... hopefully his report will back up what I have already said and I will still get my money...

As I left the offices where the medical took place, I started shaking uncontrollably.. I have no idea why but I could quite easily have cried at that moment, but as I was in the street I had to hold back.. my friend who was with me hugged me and said lets go for a starbucks coffee... that was very appealing so off we went, it did me the world of good, to just be able to sit and relax for a few minutes and have a coffee with a great friend... I felt much better afterwards and we headed back towards home...

When we got back home later in the afternoon, we were sat having some lunch when we heard noises from upstairs, not knowing what it was and thinking about things that have happened here recently, with the attempted breakins and such, I was apprehensive, but went upstairs anyways, only to find a sparrow (bird) flying round in my bathroom.. I have no idea how it got in the house as all the doors and windows were closed, but the poor thing was terrified... probably more so than I was but I knew I had to overcome my fears to let it out.. I went into the bathroom and opened the window.. almost immediately it flew out and away, releived I went back downstairs and carried on with lunch.. only to hear about 10 mins later that I had another bird in the bathroom! I really do need to find out how they are getting in, to prevent it happening again... the poor things were nearly frightened to death... but again I was able to get it to fly out of the window once I opened it....

So all in all its been quite a day today, starting of badly with dreams and Now I'm dreading the thought of going to bed tonight! The nightmares are getting to me at the moment as they all seem to be about the same incident.. The event when I was 19yr old and raped by a neighbour who forced his way into my flat.... I wake up coughing struggling to breath, and feel as though I have something round my throat.. I feel the pain and feel humiliated, scared and afraid to open my eyes for fear of what I will see, But of course I don't have anything round my throat, He is not here, but it takes me a few minutes to realise that.. it all seems so damned real when I first wake up that I need to get out of my bed straight away and go to another room.. its the only way I have found that I can cope with it at the moment... I need to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette to calm me down and nothing anyone says to me can make a difference I have to come out of it on my own... but then for the most of the day I am left feeling vunerable and scared, knowing I'm not there but not really being here either.. I tend to space out a lot and am in my own little world until someone speaks to me.. it's not a nice place to be I can tell you... I just hope all this eases soon as I'm not sure right now how much more I can handle...

Monday Evening...

Been a rather odd weekend, I have been very low and tearful at times though I'm not really sure why.. not been sleeping to well, going to bed late and waking up early.. friday night I went to bed at about 3am ... but woke up again by 6am... then on saturday night I went to bed about 1am and still woke up 7am?? Not getting a good nights sleep is very draining to say the least, it makes me irritable and snappy with others around me.. today has been a pretty good day even though I did wake up early again.. I was up by 8am after only going to bed at about 1.30am..

Had a visitor over the weekend, and had a few laughs which felt good... and of course with a few drinks as well.. I deliberately don't come in here, when I've been drinking as I tend to write stuff that is on my mind and some of it can be really personal !.. so I keep the laptop turned off when I can feel myself getting a bit drunk..lol... it's weird though as when I am drunk that is generally the one time when I can really talk about stuff.. I have done so on many occasions under the influence of alcohol and it can be a good release, but my emotions are also highlighted so everything seems a hundred times worse than it really is, I get tearful and remorseful if I've had to much... so have to be careful what I say if others are around me.. certain things you just have to keep to yourself eh!

Still the weekend is over now and I get on with the day to day stuff we all call living... its not always easy but not always hard either, depends on what is going on around me and who is at home really... but another week has begun and hopefully this one will be better than the last...
This week I hope to get a lot done, I have some things that I have been putting off for a while now and hope to get them done this week, then the weekend will be here once more, I would like to say by friday that I did achieve all I set out to do, but whether I will or not is another matter.. time will tell won't it?

Friday again...

Of course that means therapy sessions.. today wasn't to bad if I'm honest about it.. we started talking about my poems and what I get from writing them, also about me writing here! I have admitted to my therapist that I am writing this blog and she has agreed that it seem to be a good idea for me as it enables me to get things out that I have difficulty saying to anyone face to face..

She asked me what I actually get from writing about things here and I had to admit that it seems to help me get things out, feelings and such.. It also seems to help knowing that others are reading it and maybe understanding where I am coming from! understanding that just because the Abusive situation is no longer there, we can't just forget it and move on..

The memories remain as does the pain, and the lack of understanding from some people make matters much worse than they need to be. When I get told to 'forget it, it's in the past, move on and live your life'! it is painful and upsetting, as it becomes clear to me that whoever is saying it just doesn't understand and has no intention of even trying to..

That is one of the reasons I started writing in here, to help people understand just what abuse does to a child, how the damage is life long, how it affects them for the rest of their lives.. it doesn't just go away, as they grow up... it remains.. Jane asked me about the poems that I write and asked me if they are about any particular thing, I told her most of them are about my life as a child and now, and some contain graffic details about what happened to me, she asked me what other type of poem do I write? and I said I also do some fun ones, one in fact that came to mind was about butterflies.. hence my name here!.. it was the life of the butterfly from catterpillar to chrysalis to butterfly floating free, Jane asked if I thought this one was also about my life? and I said no, but when she explained the changes of the butterfly to the changes in my life I sort of agreed with her.. she asked if the poems had changed over the years and I said I thought they had... In my older poems they were all quite negative whereas nowadays most end on a possitive note saying things like 'I will get through, or I will win this fight.. a good change compared to 2yrs ago, where at that time I had just started really talking about things with a friend on line.

I had been in a support group for a few months and had been talking to people from there on msn messenger.. I had had several of them telling me they were suicidal and couldn't cope anymore with the dreams nightmares and flashbacks, but when I needed to talk NO ONE was prepared to listen to me? I had begun to feel that no one cared, no one was interested as to how I felt, how my life had affected me, until one day a lady that I had spoken to just a few times before saw a poem I wrote on the group and answered me saying that she would listen to me anytime! shocked wasn't the word I felt at the time, astounded was more like it, but we arranged a time and day to meet up on line and I said I would try to talk to her.. when the day came I was very nervous as I had never talked about myself in that way before, but after a few nervous emails back and forward she agreed to ask me questions and said only to answer if I wanted to and we could stop anytime, all I had to do was type the word stop and we would...

So for the first time in years I was finally telling someone all the details of what I had experienced, not face to face but it was a start..now some 2yrs later we are the best of friends, in fact she now lives with me and my son, she is the best friend I have ever had and I know that I can talk to her whenever I need to... BUT!! I still can't do it face to face.... the words just will not come.. one time I came close, we were on line sat next to each other on the sofa, I answered her question and when I looked over I saw she crying, not because I had done anything but because she was sorry that I had had to experience the things I had told her... I hate thinking that I have upset anyone, let alone made them cry... so I stopped talking that day and have barely done so since... Jane has asked me to try again, she reminded me that I haven't really told her all that much about what happened even though I have been going to see her for about a year now.. so she has set me the task of once again trying to talk to my friend, and then maybe talk to her next week about the same things we talk about...

Not sure how I'll do with it all but I said that I would give it a try again.. thats all I can promise, I will try and I will do my best... We'll see where it leads to eh!!

Thursday morning..

Had a really bad night last night, initially as I first went to sleep I had a really bad dream about my childhood, eventually realising that no mater what I did I couldn't get back to sleep without going back there, so I decided to come back downstairs and have a warm drink.. whilst I waited for it to cool I picked up a pen and paper and this is what i wrote down....

CAN'T FRIGHT!

His Face in my head, as I try to sleep,

Dark distant memories, that I keep.

Feelings of pain, horror and disgust,

I kept it quiet, I knew I must!

Threats made to the child, Oh! so young,

The words mustn't roll off, of my tongue.

Keep them inside, only me they destroy,

He treated me like, his little toy!

Abused, raped and beaten from a young age,

Now that I'm grown, can I turn the page?

Stop the Abuse, deal with that pain,

Try to get my life, back on track again.

But! How do I stop all the pain and sorrow?

Am I looking ahead for a brighter tomorrow?

Can I say those words, explain just what he did?

That is the hard part, I do not kid!

Finding my voice to verbalise the facts,

Within myself, I'll make a pact.

Speak out those words, see where they go,

Sometime in the future I'll surely know.

Threats that he made, can no longer come true,

I know his now, as I'm telling you.

His fat ugly face, his hands mauling me,

That image at night, is what I see.

Need to find ways, to distract, not dream,

It's not happening now, even though it may seem.

Sleeping alone, in my bed at night,

Don't have to worry, cause me he can't fright!..

A second poem was also written last night, well at 2am this morning... here it is;

WALK TALL!.

As I close my eyes to go to sleep,

My memories come forward, those buried deep.

Seeing their faces, feeling their hands touch,

Feeling the pain, I dreaded so much!

Womdering why, they thought it was good!

Was it just because, they knew they could?

Did I have written across my brow?

'Abuse me' Here, right here and now?

How did they know? Had I been groomed?

Was all of my pain, and heartache doomed?

Am I doomed to nightmares, flashbacks and sorrow?

Or is there something, brighter waiting tomorrow?

When will it end, what can I do?

It's just the begining, I'm telling you!

My healing path, is twisted and long,

As I search out where in life I belong.

Do I deserve, a life full of pain?

If the answe is yes! What do they gain?

I firmly beleive, there is a way past,

The pain and the heartache, cannot last.

So I will fight on, and I'll try to talk,

If I stumble on the way, beside me please walk.

Please take my hand, guide me down the way,

I'm listening to all, you have to say.

Help me on my journey, lift me if I fall,

One day real soon, I will walk tall..

These sort of describe what i was feeling last night as I tried to sleep... thoughts and memories coming back causing me to fear sleeping... but hopefully one day soon they will ease eh!

Wednesday Morning..

Sat at home waiting for the washing machine repair man.. typical eh! they won't give a time so you have to wait in all day... still it's meant that I have got quite a bit done this morning, housework and such.. Keeps my mind occupied and gives me less thinking time eh!

I still have thoughts about how things could have been for me, had I not had the past that I had.. but what is the point in that? I experienced the things I did for a reason, I'm not yet sure what the reason is, maybe it was to make sure I was heard at some point in my life, maybe it was for me to make a difference for the Abused Children of the world?

By making my story, warts and all public knowledge like I am doing here, it is getting the pain and sorrow of the Abuse victim into the public eye. Maybe that is the way to finally get people listened to and understood, get them all the help they deserve and need.. I really don't know, but if telling my story on here gets anything changed then it will be worth the pain it is causing me to write it all.... and it can be extremely painful and embarrassing to write about the Abuse, to write down knowing others can read just what happened to me details as well can be shameful. Even though I know deep down that I have nothing to be ashamed of and no need to be embarrassed by it it is still very difficult remembering all the details of what I went through as a child and as an adult..

The last rape happened when I was 32yr old, should I have been able to stop it at that age? I was an adult with a family of my own, but when it happened I was a child again in my mind and just froze.. unable initially to do anything unable to move away and unable to speak! I did eventually find my voice and shout and found my feet to run away but it was to late again... I went back home afterwards and told no one, not even my husband.. I must have been withdrawn and acting differently but he cared so little about me at that point that he didn't notice at all.. I kept that horrible secret for over 10 years.. why? Because I was scared again, scared that no one would beleive me, scared that I would be made to feel dirty all over again.. I already felt dirty by what had happened so didn't want it to be worse by telling anyone.. it took me many years to realise that I wasn't dirty, I'd done nothing wrong at all... but the thoughts of how I felt remain to this day.. I can remember scrubbing my skin to get all traces of him off me.. but I couldn't remove him from my head... even now sometimes the memories return and I feel him on me again! Not a nice feeeling but one I have to live with for as long as it takes for me to deal with all of it..

So I will, for the sake of all the Abused Children and Adults out there, continue telling my story no matter how painful it is to me, no matter how upsetting it is to read for others, this blog is my truth! It is what happened to me as I grew up, as an Adult and how I am now trying to deal with it all so that it no longer control my life as I am today.. Hopefully someone will read it who has the power to make a difference, to get things changed so that we the survivors get the help we need to overcome the pain.. and Overcome it we will because we are all fighters and SURVIVORS... hence the words ABUSE SURVIVOR!.. I'll keep writing for as long as it takes.. and will where possible include the details of what happened and how it felt at the time as well as how it feels to me today!

Monday Morning...

Another new week begins and to start it off I had a nasty flashback last night.. Just as I was going to sleep I was suddenly back in Cyprus with my step-father numbe two.. Well the second one who abused me!

I could feel my back itching all over, thats how I know its him.. he was a very hairy man and it is the one thing that stands out very clearly in my mind.. as his skin touched me I was itching all over.. I felt his hands all over my body and couldn't stop myself from scratching.. the feelings of fear overtook once more and I couldn't seem to stop them.. I felt the pressure as he forced himself on me and mauled my body.. all the time I was telling him to stop and all the time he was calling me by my Mum's name... she'd died just 6 months before and he missed her, or so he said.. he claimed that I reminded him of her so much that he lost track of who I was, that was his excuse for doing what he did?

I had gone on that holiday to keep him company, what a mistake! I wish I'd never heard his name, wish I'd never met him, wish I had never gone on the holiday with him! We'd been there for 7 days already before he did anything, I felt safe being there with him until that fateful morning.. I woke up to find him touching me as he masterbated... when I realised what was happening I jumped out of bed shouting and crying asking why? All he could do was say 'I'm sorry, but your so like your mum and I miss her'! As if that's any excuse? To sexually abuse your step daughter..

When we returned home the next day I knew I had to keep quiet, I told no one what had happened fo many years, in fact until lat year I had kept his nasty dirty secret to myself. I have no idea why I didn't tell maybe I should have? but I didn''t.. He was still in contact with me until then.. but now I have told my sisters what he did and he has been told to stay away, never to contact any of us again.. when we told him this he claimed he did nothing wrong? he said he didn't remember and that he was dying anyways, out of spite I said 'well hurry up and die then, cause I don't care anymore' I hung up the phone... but last night it was all fresh in my head once more a I felt him touching and mauling me... maybe I need to talk this through with someone? maybe then it will lose its strength to upset me this much? Today I yet again have a horrible stomach ache, I feel vunerable and scared and just want to hide away again.. it feels like everyone I see will know what happened and will blame me? Am I to blame? Should I have refused to go on that holiday with him all those years ago??

Sunday evening.. it's now 10.26pm

After my son's 18h birthday yesterday I must admit to being a little worse for wear this morning.. lol but it was worth it.. He was in a right mess when he got home, he'd drank far to much..lol and suffered for it last night and this morning..

I mentioned last night that I had had someone trying to get into the house again, well I spoke to my sister tonight and she told me that at about 4am this morning someone got into her house! Her carer arrived at 8am to find her front door wide open? what the hell is going on here? who is doing this to us and what the hell do they want? its getting very frightening now as my sister is bedridden and wouldn't be able to defend herself much if it came to it.. They called the police and now my sister has to go and do an Identity parade at the station next week... Hopefully she will be able to pick out the person she saw last time and the police will be able to pick them up ...

I had the memories again last night about my childhood and the pain I went through, but thankfully they weren't to bad and I was able to control them pretty much completely so they didn't take over... case of having to really as my daughter was down for her brothers birthday and I can't allow anything to happen when she is here!

In the past she has tried to claim that she was abused as a child even thought I know it in't true at all, She has basically taken my past and claimed it as hers... calling me a liar etc and disputting everything I say, after an arguement one time she actually told me that her father, My ex husband had told her I was lying! Yet we had been married at the time of the court case so he knows its true! ... We had a rather heated discussion yesterday about her father and his lack of caring for his son (her brother), he earns good money about £30,000 a year but pays just £56 a week in maintenance... no where near enough to care for a strapping 18yr old eh!.. he eats that in a few days..lol.. unfortunatley he seems to beleive her when she comes out with stories of her being raped etc.. he falls into her little make beleive world and humours her to keep the peace, not exactly the best thing to do as it just encourages her to continue with the lies... I can't handle it anymore and nowadays we don't talk about it at all.. its a taboo subject whenever she is home...


I've had a lazy day today and been learning how to do PSP on the computor.. getting pretty good at it by all accounts as well.. or so I'm being told by people in my group... Hopefully I will have a peaceful night tonight with no bad dreams or flashbacks... but if not I will deal with them as I have before.. maybe I'll just come in here and write about them to get them out...

Sunday Morning .... 2.19 am...

I must admit before I start I am a little worse for wear through alcohol.. its been my son's 18th birthday so I have had a few drinks tonight...

I am pretty angry tonight to be honest.. I got home from the restaurant with my friend about 8.30pm..leaving my son with his friends to have a good time, he doesn't want his mum cowding him on his 18th eh!... By 9pm we had had someone trying to get into the house, they tried my front door and scared the life out of me and my friend.. this has been going on for months now! we have had someone, who I think maybe my step father or a member of his family... trying to scare the life out of me, and its working a treat, we get flashlights shining into my bedroom late at night, trying my front and back doors..I call he police and by the time they arrive there is no sign of anyone...I now have to put the safety chain on the front door when ever I am home alone... Its really beginning to get to me now. I just want to know who it is and what they want from me... its many years since our case was in court and he said he was going to get me to clear his name... maybe its not him, but the chances of it being someone else ?? who else would be this persistant and want to upset/scare me??? I have no idea.. the polie have made it clear they don't beleive me, so until whoever it is is caught we have to live in fright not knowing.....

The other problem when I get a bit worse for wear from drinking, is that I have great difficulty keeping the flashbacks in tact.. memories come forward and its very hard to stop them.. I have a few memories right now of thing that happened when I was a child... the beatings that I endured by that bastard are pretty fresh in my head right now... he was evil itself and seemed to enjoy hitting young innocent children for pleasure... his pleasure.. certainly not ours.. he hurt us all like hell and we most deffinately didn't enjoy what he did especially my sister and me who he found pleasure in raping!! he had started on my sister when she was just 8yr old... the fucking bastard!! who in their right mind would get pleasure in raping an 8yr old child?? and why would they do it?? how can they possibly justify hurting a child in that way? what is it that they get from it? I wish I could understand even if only for a few minutes..... maybe then I could explain to myself why it all happened... why did they all want to hurt me so much when I grew up? why do so many people get pleasure in hurting others in that way? I have been forced to have sex against my will many times and its not a nice experience I can tell you, its bad enough if it happens once but when it happens more than that its just not right and not fair at all...

Best get off here else I will be going into stuff I don't want to go into .... so goodnight all...

Well it's now Saturday and my Son's 18th birthday is finally here... God does it make me feel old? lol... my youngest child is now an adult and growing up fast..

On a totally different subject though, I tried to talk to my friend last night about what happened to me in London when I was 19yr old.. not an easy task but I did manage some.. it was only when I stopped chatting for a bit that I realised she had fallen asleep.. I had poured out my story for the first time, talked in detail about what he did to me... I actually verbalised what had happened but no one heard me thank god! not sure quite how I feel about it, but knowing that I had done it beleiving her to be listening makes me think that maybe I can do it again when I know she will hear me...

I'd spoken about how he started by blocking my way in the corridor outside my room when I'd gone to answer a phone call, I spoke about how scared I had felt and how releived I was when someone came in and said hello to me, making him move away and let me pass.. I mentioned briefly about him forcing his way into my room and the feelings I'd felt when I knew that I couldn't stop him.. I didn't go into detail about what he had actually done, is to early for that yet and I don't feel ready... but I have made a start eh!

In a way I'm glad that I wasn't heard last night but in another way I'm sad, sad that I had finally plucked up the courage to talk about it all and yet no one heard me! But I don't want my friend feeling bad about falling asleep as it was very late... and I know that when I'm ready to talk again she is there to listen to me.. Still I feel that I have made some progress on my Journey to healing and I will keep on going until I get to the end...

Friday again...

Been a pretty weird week this week... I have been very low most of the time due to problems that are happening here.. one good thing this week though was that I went to see Sir Cliff Richard live at Wembley Arena in London on wednesday evening.. Even though it was a long drive from where I now live it certainly was worth the journey.. He came on stage at 7.30 pm and apart from an intermission of 15 mins was there until 10.30pm.. his stamina is amazing for someone his age.. god I hope I have as much when I get to that age.. lol..

On the way home from the concert, I decided to cut across London to get home I thought the quicker way! but I got lost in the middle of town and it took twice as long as it should have.. still I got to see the christmas lights in Oxford Street for the first time in three years..lol as we went through South London I decided to go via where I used to live when I was 19 yr old.. I showed my friend the house where I was raped by my neighbour!.. I didn't think that driving past it would be a problem to me, but it was, as I pointed out the window of what was my room, I suddenly felt very uneasy... I remembered his face, his smell, his voice... I drove past pretty quickly.. I didn't want to hang around.. I doubt that the guy in question still lives there in fact the look of the building had changed quite a bit and could now be a family home.. but I was expecting him to come out the door? As we drove away I felt very unsafe and shaken again, so I locked the car doors telling my friend that it wasn't exactly a very safe area, we headed towards the A23 and home.. finally getting home at 2.30am on Thursday morning..

Wednesday was also my daughters 24th birthday and tomorrow is my son's 18th.. so its been arranging things for both of them thats taken up my thoughts as well... We're going out tomorrow night with members of my family and some of my sons friends to a restaurant for a meal, then on to buy him his first legal pint in the local..lol.. hopefully it will be a good night eh!..

I had therapy again today as is usual for a friday, and told my therapist about the drive past that I'd done on the way home.. She asked me what I would have done if he had come out of the door! I said that I have no idea what I would have done,but I doubt that I would have recognised him now anyways...he has no doubt changed quite a bit after all these years, but just driving past had made me remember more of what had happened that day.. she asked me if I could tell her about what I remembered now and I said I keep getting this flashback/dream about being throttled/strangled and having a heavy weight on me, obviously as I recall the rape itself.... I come out of it choking and coughing struggling to breath and generally end up having an asthma attack.. once that calms down I always feel the need to cover myself up and generally wrap my duvet around me tight.. She told me that this is probably because thats what I did on the day and it makes me feel safe again.. but its a horrible feeling and one that I cetainly do not enjoy at all... I have virtually no control at all over this particular dream recently, sometimes I can stop it if its daylight and there are others around me but at night it is especially hard to control... she suggested once again that I try really hard when I can feel it happening to try and focus on something in the room I'm in.. try to distract my thoughts onto something more pleasant and maybe I will be able to stop it happening... alternatively I need to talk about it with someone I can trust.. which I have agreed to try and do.. not sure how well I'll do though as it feels pretty fresh again right now, but I am prepared to try if it will help stop these dreams...

Looking forward to tomorrow now and trying to put all my stresses and wories to one side for my son's 18th celebrations... hopefully he will enjoy the night eh!..

Today I'm going to try and put my past out of my mind for a few hours.. I'm off to see Sir Cliff Richard Live in Concert at Wembley, North London.. and I'm really looking forward to it.. I have been a big fan of his for many years in fact I've had my tickets for this show since last november..lol

I just know I'll have a good night, even though I have to drive for about 3hours to get there and 3 hours home again afterwards it will be so worth it.. Can't think of anything else at the moment except getting there and enjoying the show, which I always do.. I'm taking a friend with me tonight who isn't really a fan, in fact she's never really liked his music much though her mum does..lol.. maybe tonight will change her mind about him eh?

So I'll catch up with you all tomorrow and tell you all about it..lol..

Very Vunerable right now..

Had a major flashback last night as I was having some fun with a friend, all of a sudden I was back to my little flat when I was 19yr old.. I was being raped by a neighbour and could feel his hands around my throat as he tried to keep me quiet.. I felt him forcing himself inside me and the pain was horrendous.. According to my friend I was fighting him off, well trying to and Not succeeding as he raped me.. He had forced his way into my room, and ripped of my clothes before removing his own, he pushed me onto my bed and forced me to have sex with him.. I hated every second, as he held me down so hard that I couldn't move, I couldn't get away and I couldn't stop him doing what he wanted......

Not sure how long it took my friend to bring me back but I know that when I did retun to the here and now, I felt very scared and had to take a good look around the room to get my bearings, to realise where I was and remember that I was safe now, this was in the past and wasn't happening now! My friend hugged me and reassured me that all was ok and has offered to help me try to talk about things, whether I'll be able to or not I'm not sure, but I know I need to try as its the only way for me to break the control these memories have on me now..

I so want to be able to move on from all this, but it's so damned hard to do.. without talking face to face with someone about it all in detail, it will always have some sort of hold on me, so I know I need to find my voice and verbalise it all to someone... who that will be I'm not sure yet but it needs to be someone I can trust completely, someone who will not judge me and someone who understands how hard it is to talk about.. they will need to be able to hear the horrible details about what these people did to me when they raped and abused me, they'll need to be able to give me a hug if thats what I need, so that kinda puts out my therapist as she is not allowed to do that! So maybe my friend will be my best option? I know at the moment I can tell her anything so maybe tonight I will try to really talk and see how far I can go!...

Will write in here tomorrow and maybe be able to say how much I did??

Monday morning..

Another day in the week of hell that I call my life! I have had so many flasbacks this weekend that even now I feel fragile and vunerable.. flashbacks about being raped as a child and as an adult are making me feel so low that somedays I don't know what to do with myself.

It's not fair that I have to have this complication in my life, I didnt ask for any of the pain or sorrow that was dealt out to me, but I am the one who has to deal with it all now... in my sleep I remember the incidents so clearly that it is like it's happening all over again.. as a child there were so many different incidents that it is hard to know which one is which.. the times when I was raped were so similar most of the time that I can't actually say how often it happened. Was it once a week? twice, or three times? I have no idea, all I know is that it was far to often for me to handle.

As a small child living in the situation I would revert into myself, try to block out what was happening. I told no one about the rapes as they didn't beleive me when I told about the beatings so thought the same would happen again.. and he had threatened me sufficiently to scare me into keeping quiet.. by telling me that my mum would die if I told.. I didn't want my mum to die so I didn't tell anyone for many years.. My nickname as a child was mouse, or titch.. I was very small for my age in build and height.. no doubt that is how he was able to intimidate me so easily.. he manipulated me so easily as I was scared of him in every way.. Iknew that if I didn't do as he asked he would find an excuse to beat me.. in front of others or when he was alone with me.. I used to try everything to make sure I tried everything tomake sure I wasn't alone with him but it didn't always work.. he always seemed to find a way to make sure we were alone at home regularly..
He'd find ways to get mum to ground me, so that I wasn't allowed out but send everyone else out to play! just so that he could play with me in that way.. god he hurt me so much.. at 14yr old I was innocent, I knew the facts of life but had never even seen a naked man at that point.. I hadn't started my periods yet so was completely unsure initially what was going on.. but it didn't take me to long to realise that I didn't like what he did! I can clearly remember the first time, when Mum had gone to her brothers wedding with my Nan.. the pain I suffered afterwards lasted for days.. I became more shy and quieter than I had ever been and can remember my Mum asking me if I was ok several times in the immediate weeks afterwards.. I had to say I was else I knew he would beat me or worse still do it again.. but even though I kept quiet He DID IT AGAIN.. within a week he was doing it often.. it started of just the odd occassion but when he realsied that I wouldn't talk about it it became more frequent.. sometimes as much as every day! whilst mum was at work..

Feeling very vunerable right now, I have never spoke about how this all happened... about how often it happened or how it really felt to me as a child... and my god does it hurt? as I sit here now writing this I can feel the pain deep inside my stomach.. I'm shaking and feel like crying as I think about what that bastard did to me and my sister...

Got to stop can't do this!!

Saturday Morning..

Woke up this morning ay 6.30am with a jump after having a bad dream, I just had to get up there was no way I could stay there and go back to sleep.

In the dream I saw Don again, so much seems to be about him lately that I sometimes wonder what else happened in my life! From what I remember of the dream He was shouting at my siblings and myself, we were all at home and something had happened that had upset him, not sure what.. anyways.. he was saying how useless we all were and that we'd never amount to anything, we were stupid kids with no idea how the world works.. well yes I think I was only about 10 in the dream, so I didn't know really how things worked but I did know that I didn't like what he was doing! Anyway he made us all sit on the sofa whils he questioned us one by one, he wanted to know what had happened with something... the next thing I remember is him telling my eldest sister to go over to him, which she had to do, he made her remove her underwear and lean over his lap where he started to hit her, she tried everything she could to make sure we couldn't see anything, she was about 15yr old at the time and naurally embarrassed by what he was doing.. when he'd finished hitting her he told her to sit back on the sofa and called the next one over.. he did this with each of us in turn until he had hit us all.. all the while he was shouting about whatever it was we were supposed to have done.. by the time he stopped we were all upset trying not to cry, because if we cried he hit more.. After about an hour he gave up and told us all to get out of the house and not come back until tea time.. we willingly left and went out to the park..

By the time we returned home Mum was back from work and he had calmed down again, he started to ask us all if we'd had a nice day! what the fuck! he'd beat us all for whatever and then had the cheek to ask us in front of mum if we'd had a nice day! we coudn't say anything about what had happened because he would have either denied it or just hit us again when Mum wasn't there.. there was no point arguing with that man..

Another flashback I had last night, just as I was having some fun wih a friend I suddenly felt that I was right back there and he was raping me, I cried uncontrollably for what felt like ages, I remembered the pain, felt the fear and felt very vunerable once again. I have noticed this often happens on a friday night after therapy, I guess after talking about things they are all pretty clear in my mind so its easier for these things to happen.. I don't like it much but there's nothing I can do about it.. I just have to learn to deal with it and try to control it the best I can.. but its not easy. Some of the flashbacks on a friday are about him beating me, whilst others are about the rapes, they are the most painful to remember as I get the feeling that it is happening right then, the pain is clear and very strong, the emotions are crazy and I end up feeling that it has just happened all over again...

If I had the chance, and the strength I think I could honestly Kill that man, if I knew I could do it without any reprocussions I think I would, especially on a friday after therapy when everything is so clear in my mind.. but of course I wouldn't! I value my freedom far to much and know that to lower myself to do something like that makes me no better than him! and my God I am so much better than him!
I live my life calmly where I can and show my Children that I love them everyday.. they know they are cared for ... in fact just last week my son who is 18y old in just 7 days actually told me 'your the best Mum I could wish for, and I love you'! What better comment could he have made to me? It felt so good to hear him say those words that it re-assured me that I had done my best by my children and had no need to feel that I'd let them down the way I was let down.. I did something right for a change!..

Friday...

As usual this means therapy sessions and time for some tough talking.. Today I had been asked to take in a few poems that I'd written about things and took in the ones placed on here in the last few weeks..'Come What May' and 'Make them Pay!' I was asked about when I wrote them and what was going on at the time..

As I said previously 'Make them Pay' was written about a year ago, when things first started to really hit me again and I knew I needed help dealing with it all.. It was basically asking for politicians to help the Victims of Abuse by providing the help that we need to move on with life after the events.. I was struggling big time and knew that I needed help but with my financial situation at the time I just couldn't see a way of affording it, I beleived then as I do now that this should be free to Survivors as none of it was our fault! We didn't ask to be Abused.. yet we are financially penalised for however long it takes in therapy to work through things.. Yet The Abusers are funded by Governments World Wide in the hope of re-habilitating them.. we know they can't be CURED! so why waste the money on a useless cause, give it to the victims in support instead??

The second poem 'Come What May' was only written about a week or so ago.. following a flashback in the morning, with all sorts of things going on in my head and very vivid clear memories.. The poem was about me trying to find my Voice to speak about what has happened to me! I find that I can write it down without a problem but whenever I start to try and speak it I get like a lump in my throat and the words just will not come out of my mouth.. My therpist suggested that this is partly, because of the threats made to me as a child to stop me telling, sub-conciously my mind instantly goes back there if I try to speak about it at all, the feelings and fears return, hence the lump in my throat stopping the words coming out.. She suggested that maybe I can find away to distract myself, (by maybe imagining myself to be somewhere else) when I get the feelings coming up and try to continue talking a little more at a time.. She said in time if I persevere this should enable me to begin to verbalise what happened without getting tongue tied or to upset.. She asked me about the lines
'A simple little mask we'll all wear'.
'We'll hide our pain, from all to see,'
'Until the darkness comes, to you and me'.

She asked me what I meant by the 'little mask' and the only way I could explain it was to say that if you meet up with friends regularly and everytime you saw them they asked you how you were, even if you feel rotten we ALL tend to say we're fine! my mask is like that, whenever anyone asks how I am I reply fine! because if I said how I really feel, after a while people would get fed up with me saying 'I feel horrible, sad, alone, depressed etc.. and therefore would stop wanting to be around me.. so in reality we all, even those who are not Survivors wear a mask... to most people we hide how we feel each day.. we rarely admit to feeling bad, sad etc.. With Survivors though its harder to remove the mask and let people in as we have such big trust issues and fear our past being used against us to hurt us as we have been hurt before.. So The Mask stays firmly in place most of the time until we feel we can trust enough to let someone in to see the real us!..

She asked me next about the last line 'Until the darkness comes, to you and me' and asked what I meant by that, I told her that when I get tired at the end of the day, that is when the flashbacks, bad dreams etc start and I have difficulty trying to control them.. She asked me if I could recall the last Flashback and I told her about the one I wrote on here yesterday about my sister being attacked and raped, missing for 3/4 days and then beaten on her return for being home late! she wasn't beleived by him or Mum even though she had the burn marks to prove her story?? What was their problem?? Did they not see how upset she was? Did they not notice how dishevelled and ragged she looked? Or was it more important to them that was there for them to use and Abuse??
IT makes me sick to the stomach to know that they did nothing at all to help her, just as they did nothing to help me, in fact they did it to me!!!

Sorry can't write anymore..

Thursday night and am so low right now that just don't know what to do with myself. I have been having certain memories coming forward that are now clearer than ever before, and they aren't pleasant!

The most clear in my mind now is an event when I was about 12/13yr old, two of my older sisters went to the cinema in the nearest big town, they were told by him to be home by 10.30pm.. Well! the film over ran a bit and they had to run to get the bus! one made it and tried to get the bus driver to wait for my other sister, but he wouldn't! He was on his last run of the day and I guess wanted to get home.. anyways to cut a long story shorter, the younger of the two made it home in time just.. she was asked where my other sister was and she told them, (mum and him) what had happened.. anyways we didn't see my other sister from that day until about 3/4 days later when the police brought her back.. she was covered in cuts and burns (Cigarette burns all over her chest), her beautiful long waist length hair gone! she'd been attacked and taken somewhere... we still to this day don't know where.. she told us that three guys had dragged her into a car and raped her over the three days, the signs were there to see, but the police and Mum did nothing.. Don on the other hand started shouting and saying she was irresponsible and useless and was late home! He started hitting her as he screamed.. she was yelling at mum to stop him saying 'haven't I been through enough?' But she got no sympathy at all, I'm sure they thought she had made it all up and lied as an excuse for being home late, for missing the bus that she had tried so hard to catch! As if she would burn herself and stay away for 3/4 days for that, knowing that just by being late home she would be beaten by him.. why would she do that? She wouldn't would she?

There are many times in my childhood where I can say that sympathy should have been shown but wasn't! like when my brother was pushed from a first floor window at boarding school and broke his leg in two places, Don said he did it deliberately to be sent home for a few weeks!! That man was evil in itself... he didn't know how to show care or compassion to anyone not even our mum.. Mum had a major problem with her back as we grew up and had to wear a surgical support belt, she wasn't supposed to lift anything heavy but he never helped her, she was left to struggle alone unless we could help!

Why are people like that allowed to live in the normal world, with normal people? they mess everyone up and then walk away not even caring about the trail of damage they leave behind...

As these memories become clearer to me at the moment I struggle to find the answers to my questions, like many Survivors I just want to know why? Why did it happen to me? Why did no one see what was going on in our house? and for those that suspected things weren't right, Why did they do nothing about it at all? Is everyone elses life so busy that they can't or won't protect the children? After all the children of today are the adults of tomorrow who we will be relying on to run the country, to make sure we are safe as we get old and infirm... Isn't it time that Governments all over the world did something possitive for the children to make sure they are ALL safe as they sleep at night? To make sure they all have love and care that they deserve, the food they need and the safe environment in which to grow and learn! If only every person reading this was to write to their own Goverment demanding that action be taken to protect the Children then maybe sooner rather than later they would listen!
I live in hope, as I hate to think of anyone living their life the way I am.. with the memories and the pain, its not as if I asked for it to happen, I had no CHOICE!..

Wow!..

I hate how I feel right now, I'm edgy with everyone, snappy, moody and feeling really low. Have no idea why I feel like this but I can't seem to lift myself up again right now. Yes its been a busy couple of weeks and I have more to come as both my children have birthdays next week.. but thats no excuse... I've been having dreams that make no sense at all, and I wake up edgy and snappy ?? For anyone who knows me this is not me! usually I would wake up smiling and cheerful, but not at the moment..

I know I have a lot on my mind right now, with financial worries and christmas around the corner, but that's really no excuse for upsetting those I care about! Not sure what I can do about it though.. I try to put things out of my mind but it just isn't working ... feeling far to negative about things... where are the positives in my life? I need to find them again and need to find them fast before I drive everyone away and end up alone again.. That would please those that hurt me wouldn't it? to see me struggle on my own once more they would win again! I can't let thet happen anymore.. I cannot become a victim I am a Survivor and will continue to fight onward and upward to make my life the best that I can ...

I'll try to write in here how I'm feeling later today if I can find the words to explain it..